Thursday, October 4, 2012

No Answers

At day 85 still no answers to many of my questions. My son died a cruel vichious death. In asking questions the response from some has been what difference will it make the end result is "he is dead and nothing is going to change that". It matters to me. I raised and protected my son for almost 18 years. I have been told I may never know and have to accept it. This is something I can not do. My son and three others were in the car crash. The two survivors have to know how & why. Both have been released from hospitals. One says there is no memory 5 days before the crash and no memory after the crash for 30 days. No response from the other survivor. I called the hospitals that were given to the news by the coroner on the crash. Only to be told no patient by that name in our records. The mother of the deceased driver gave a statement to the police but I was told I could not see it and may never see it. The accident report is not complete and no information will be given before its done. I keep thinking it is all so far fetched like a horror movie that it can not really be true. I will wake up and it will all be a nightmare. The funeral seems like a vivid memory and not real. My son could not have died. He could not have died that violently. Some days are worse than others. I try and stay busy schooling my youngest. But when end of lessons comes for the day my mind goes over and over the accident scene and other things. At times I let myself believe my son is at school work or at a friends house. I watch the clock knowing the time he should get off the bus the time he should get off work the time he should be home and the time of the crash. I feel like I am losing my mind. Others around me seem to have put it behind them and moved on. I can not leave him behind and move on. I have been told I have my memories. I want my memories and my son both. I have so much more love to give him. There are so many more things for him to do. He had dreams and plans for his future. I feel so lost. We were so close. He is my talker. For simple reasons he would just text or call me to say mom guess what or mom you wont believe whats going on. I would cup his face in my hand and squeeze his cheeks and tell him I love him. Sitting on the swing we would talk as we swung. I would pat his leg while telling him I loved him. Much firewood was cut and stacked from clearing the woods for a garden. He was the fire builder. We sat in the gazebo talking and watching the fire. But not this summer. He worked so hard to build my gardens and put in the fish pond. I keep praying him back to life. At that grave I pray watch and wait for the earth to open up. Gods word is the same yesterday today and forever. I pray believing in Jesus name my son will raise up from the dead completely whole restored living and breathing. Jesus raised Lazarus. Please turn back the hands of time God and make this never have happened. Near two weeks before the crash my son was riding with a friend who ran off the road and hit a tree. I went to get him. When I got there he said I knew you would come you always do. He has always known he can count on me. I feel he is calling me now. His words ring in my mind "I knew you would come you always do." He was so up beat and happy during our last conversation. He called me from work. He noticed a missed call from mom. He called. I answered. "whats up whatdid you need"? were his words. We talked. I told him to drive slow be careful. He answered ya Im going to slow down Im changing. I told him I love you. He said I love you to. I thought he was coming right home after work. Four hours later the fire whistle blew. I sent my usual text U ok just as I always do when I here the fire whistle blow. No text back. I called his cell number. Went to voice mail. Minutes later the house phone rang. My daughter his sister screaming saying something happened to him. No one would tell her anything other than that there still moving. She had already seen two loaded into helicopters but not her brother or boyfriend. Those unreal words yes he is dead I heard when we arrived at the crash site. We were made to leave. My daughter and I in an ambulance in route to the hospital. My husband driven home by a fire personel to our youngest. My daughter had discovered her car was gone and went looking for her brother boyfriend & friends after receiving a text there was an accident close.