Thursday, October 4, 2012

No Answers

At day 85 still no answers to many of my questions. My son died a cruel vichious death. In asking questions the response from some has been what difference will it make the end result is "he is dead and nothing is going to change that". It matters to me. I raised and protected my son for almost 18 years. I have been told I may never know and have to accept it. This is something I can not do. My son and three others were in the car crash. The two survivors have to know how & why. Both have been released from hospitals. One says there is no memory 5 days before the crash and no memory after the crash for 30 days. No response from the other survivor. I called the hospitals that were given to the news by the coroner on the crash. Only to be told no patient by that name in our records. The mother of the deceased driver gave a statement to the police but I was told I could not see it and may never see it. The accident report is not complete and no information will be given before its done. I keep thinking it is all so far fetched like a horror movie that it can not really be true. I will wake up and it will all be a nightmare. The funeral seems like a vivid memory and not real. My son could not have died. He could not have died that violently. Some days are worse than others. I try and stay busy schooling my youngest. But when end of lessons comes for the day my mind goes over and over the accident scene and other things. At times I let myself believe my son is at school work or at a friends house. I watch the clock knowing the time he should get off the bus the time he should get off work the time he should be home and the time of the crash. I feel like I am losing my mind. Others around me seem to have put it behind them and moved on. I can not leave him behind and move on. I have been told I have my memories. I want my memories and my son both. I have so much more love to give him. There are so many more things for him to do. He had dreams and plans for his future. I feel so lost. We were so close. He is my talker. For simple reasons he would just text or call me to say mom guess what or mom you wont believe whats going on. I would cup his face in my hand and squeeze his cheeks and tell him I love him. Sitting on the swing we would talk as we swung. I would pat his leg while telling him I loved him. Much firewood was cut and stacked from clearing the woods for a garden. He was the fire builder. We sat in the gazebo talking and watching the fire. But not this summer. He worked so hard to build my gardens and put in the fish pond. I keep praying him back to life. At that grave I pray watch and wait for the earth to open up. Gods word is the same yesterday today and forever. I pray believing in Jesus name my son will raise up from the dead completely whole restored living and breathing. Jesus raised Lazarus. Please turn back the hands of time God and make this never have happened. Near two weeks before the crash my son was riding with a friend who ran off the road and hit a tree. I went to get him. When I got there he said I knew you would come you always do. He has always known he can count on me. I feel he is calling me now. His words ring in my mind "I knew you would come you always do." He was so up beat and happy during our last conversation. He called me from work. He noticed a missed call from mom. He called. I answered. "whats up whatdid you need"? were his words. We talked. I told him to drive slow be careful. He answered ya Im going to slow down Im changing. I told him I love you. He said I love you to. I thought he was coming right home after work. Four hours later the fire whistle blew. I sent my usual text U ok just as I always do when I here the fire whistle blow. No text back. I called his cell number. Went to voice mail. Minutes later the house phone rang. My daughter his sister screaming saying something happened to him. No one would tell her anything other than that there still moving. She had already seen two loaded into helicopters but not her brother or boyfriend. Those unreal words yes he is dead I heard when we arrived at the crash site. We were made to leave. My daughter and I in an ambulance in route to the hospital. My husband driven home by a fire personel to our youngest. My daughter had discovered her car was gone and went looking for her brother boyfriend & friends after receiving a text there was an accident close.

27 comments:

  1. My poor sweet friend. What can I say? There's nothing anyone can say that will help!Writing about it might help you to sort your feelings a little but nothing much will....it's such early days! You had such a wonderful relationship. Boys of your son's age age often want to get right away from their family but to have a son who cared so much and showed it in so many ways....well some mothers dont have that in years. It's the 'not knowing and being brushed aside' that is so appaling too. I'm a counsellor and would love to have spent time with you if you lived close. Is there any bereavement counselling service near you that could help? Even then I would have told you that it's very early days and you need to take care of your self. There is nothing more I can say ....except I'll be thinking and praying for you. Joan

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  2. I'm sorry Lara. I'm thankful that you and your son had such a good relationship...I can't even begin to take away your grief, but I can and will be thinking of you and praying for you.

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  3. Lara and your whole entire family,
    My husband and I have been praying for you and again, I cried when I read this.
    I read the last post of the 44 comments and then in this post of 2 comments.
    I have to say when I read this post and you wrote that the driver passed away and the Mother of the driver made a written statement and they say you will probably never be able to get that statement is SO WRONG. You have EVERY right to know what happened, and these other 2 kiddo's saying they don't have any memory I don't know if I believe that, I could be wrong.
    Being a Mother of a 21 yr son and a 17 yr old son soon to be 18 yrs old in December, I WOULD call a lawyer and find out your rights about the statement that Mother made. My husband said you should be able to have a copy of that,to me I feel they are hiding something. Again I could be wrong but I would fight this for your son and NOT STOP till you get the answer's you deserve.Our oldest lost 2 high school friends and one of them were from our church it was many years ago and to this day the pain is still real for them and us because we were very close to them and we still are.
    Our oldest sounds just like your wonderful, loving son.I am able to talk with my son, right in front of his friends I will say I LOVE YOU and he doesn't care who is there (meaning his friends) he always says I LOVE YOU and kisses and hugs me right in front of them. When he calls me from college he always talks to me, his dad and brother then me again and always says I LOVE YOU Mom, and I always say I LOVE YOU MORE!
    As a Mom myself I would fight for justice and find out what happend, I read the comments and some say let it go it will not bring him back, okay that is true BUT you need to know what happend so you can begin to heal. Please know your son is right there with you everyday. Have a open heart and believe me you will be able to feel him and you will know he is right there. Right know the pain is SO deep that it will take time...but keep your faith and lean on the Lord.
    You raised your wonderful son and loved him to no end, he is in the Lord's arms BUT knowing the relationship you had with your son you NEED answers, if it was up to me I WOULD get a lawyer and I would make sure I GOT THOSE questions answered.
    My heart is broken for you and it bleeds.
    I am praying for you and your whole family.
    PLEASE email if there is anything my husband and I can do for you. You need alot of loving people around you even if it is from the blog, if you email me I can email you back with my phone number. My email is on the right side of my blog.
    We have circle calling so I can call you back and it doesn't cost us a dime, we did this because of my selling blog and me calling and ordering around so it helps.

    God Bless and Hugs,
    Tricia

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  4. I am sooo sorry for your loss, words could never make you feel better I know. I have been praying for you and will continue to pray. I am a hairdresser and I know several people who have lost children, they talk and I listen, their pain is like yours. One lady at my church had a son who was murdered and carried around in a trunk of a car for days before ever being discovered.I look at her and think, how do you go on. But she has no choice. I know some of these ladies would be more than glad to talk to you. I know that you would understand each other and be support for each other. Please let me know if you would want to talk to any of these ladies. I haven't asked them, but know they would be more than willing. Two of the ladies that I know lost their only child in car accidents.Another lady lost 2 sons. Life is so hard sometimes and I don't understand why some have to leave this world so young.
    I will continue to pray for you, I know your son wouldn't want you to be hurting like this!
    I pray for your peace and comfort. Lecia123@verizon.net.
    Bunches of hugs, Lecia

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  5. I am not sure how I ended up on your blog, but I am soooo sorry for your loss! I am so sorry for what you are feeling, and for the not knowing. I know that words will not help you or your family, but just know that I am praying for all of you.

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  6. My prayers are with you. I know you are grieving so badly, and confused, but please be ware that you do have a right to know the details of the accident. I would try to find a lawyer. God Bless your family - Lisa

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  7. Oh Lara - My heart goes out to you. I won't pretend to know what you are going through, but I can only imagine the pain...losing your sweet son. The unanswered questions must be weighing deeply on your soul.
    I think it is natural to feel so lost. To miss his smile, his touch, his words ...it's natural dear. Try to think what he would have you do now. Would he want you to keep suffering with the unknown, or would he want you to celebrate him. Maybe start a scholarship at school in his name, so that he can live on in your community. Try to turn your sorrow into something that will be a memorial to him. He seemed like such a sweetheart and I am sure he is with you in your suffering.
    God sometimes gives us such grief to bring us closer to Him. Please know that we are all praying for you still.
    Hugs and blessings

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  8. Oh Lara.... My heart continues to break for you. I know your pain is beyond measure. I will continue to keep you in my prayers.... Stay strong and keep the faith... many are praying for you, and I know our God will hold you in the palm of his hands and be with you always.
    Hugs to you,
    Penny

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  9. Dear Lara,
    I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I cannot even begin to think of how painful this is for you and your family.
    He sounded like a wonderful child and your relationship with him was one of a kind.
    My heartfelt prayers and thought for you to find some healing comfort at this difficult time.
    Thinking and praying for you,
    Barb

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  10. Hello My Dear Lara....I saw a post from you come up on my blog dashboard...and had hoped you had found some minute measure of comfort. Unfortunately, that is not so - and no doubt. I don't know how any mother could having had the pain you have had inflicted. Please know I continue you to hold you close in heart and prayer - still asking for some small measure of comfort to be given you....

    As for the unanswered questions...as I said previously - I don't know, nor do I want to pretend to know, what I might feel like in your situation....It is a nightmare to even think around the edge of it. However, I am certain that there would be a part of me wanting to know every last detail...and while others have said you have a "right" to know, I will tell you - as an attorney - that, yes you do - but, with limitations. I suspect that, since your son was a minor (i.e., under the age of 18), some, if not all, of the other involved were also minors. The law requires that information regarding minors be kept confidential. You can perhaps request copies of the accident report from the police dept or county sheriff's office that responded, and all related statements, etc., but most likely, all info relating to any minors will be redacted (blacked out) if you get anything at all.... I'm sorry if this information frustrates you, but I wanted to let you know....what might look like "withholding" of information may have a legal basis....rightly or wrongly. Continued prayers my friend....and many, many, hugs ~ Robin

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  11. Lara,

    There are no good words of comfort. I wish I could and would in heart beat make everything better.. give you the anwsers you need in hopes to give you some measure of peace.. but there are never and good anwswers, I just hope you get those answers soon. sending so many hugs. OLM

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  12. Lara, I am so sorry for your pain. I do not know what to say but you and your family are in my prayer journal and I am praying for you all!
    Praying you find some comfort in His arms,
    Cindi

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  13. My deepest sympathy for you and your family Lara. My heart hurts with yours over this. Stay strong in your faith and know that your son is with you in spirit.
    Hugs~Carol

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  14. Hi Laura,
    This is Lecia again, my heart has been so heavy for you. I wish I could give you a big hug and do somthing to make your pain go away. I did want to add this. I don't know if you have ever heard of James Dobson and Focus on the Family.
    Once I was going through a painful time in my life. I contacted them and they sent me some CD's and books about what I was going through and didn't even ask for a penny. So I know they cared. Maybe if you call or email them, they would have some resources that would be helpful. Please email me anytime you need a friend to talk to or if you would like me have one of the ladies that I know that have lost their children email or write you.
    My prayers are with you. Praying for your comfort and peace. Lecia Lecia123@verizon.net

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  15. Lara,

    We are all hurting in some way and sharing your burden in friendship. I do agree that now is the time to get a lawyer because a good lawyer for major accidents can indeed get information you need to move on and to process what actually happened. I worked in auto-litigation for years and those attorneys know how to get to the bottom of the matter. As for loss of memory, that can indeed happen in a car accident, but you will have more evidence than their memories at your disposal, if you contact an attorney. Plus, you will also need an attorney to also know what to do to get the funds entitled to you from the auto-policy, I would not sign anything until I'd seen an attorney because there are gaps in what happened. It's hard to pass on information like this, but I hope you find a good, solid, well-known attorney in your area that handles these kinds of cases, then let him be your advocate through these mysteries.

    I am so sorry --- I know know about the depth of hurt that almost wills the clock to go backwards, but for your son, you must live a full life. For your other children, you must be a "present" mother because they can't lose both of you. Fight back, find small reasons to treasure a moment each day, small steps. Live the best life possible for both of you.

    Lana

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  16. I'm sharing your grief. My heart feels your desperation. I understand. A mother can't just "move on". She's different from that moment on. My sister in law, who lost her son from a brain aneurysm, when he was only 24 year old, would get so upset with people who wanted her to be "the same old Ann". She would tell them, she "would never be the same". I can't imagine you could be. Take the time you need. You sound like you two were so very close. I am so very sorry this happened. Much love, support and hugs to you.

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  17. I am so very sorry for your loss. Please, please, please talk to a professional counsellor. This grief will swallow you if you don't. There are wonderful Christian counsellors who will help you work through your grief.

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  18. Lara .I agree a mothers love and need to know is driven by the pure nature of a mothers love of her children. You may turly know the whole truth but I do agree with Lana the best way to find as many facts as possible to help you come to peace with your loss & your need to know is to get an attorney. You have a right to that information by law. Sadly it always seems to take an attorney to obtain what is rightfully your right to know.

    I know your pain is deep and your loss is unbearable but your son would wqant you to give his siblings all the love you gave him. They too have lost as much as you have & they need you as much as you need them..I to would suggest that you seek out a Christain counsler that you can talk to and who can help you threw your grief so that your other children don't lose you too.
    They need you.
    Prayers that you can find some answers that will help you find some peace of mind.

    Hugs
    Tonya

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  19. Lara, you have been on my mind. My heart aches for you, I can not imagine what you must be going through. Please know that I keep you and your family in my prayers. Please do not be afraid to receive some professional help. There is nothing wrong in that. You need to take care of yourself & let someone help you find a way to begin healing and find some peace. Your son would want that for you. Hugs, Mindy

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  20. Dear Lara
    I have been praying for you and your family and my heart just breaks over your loss. I don't think anyone ever gets over the loss of a child. Take all the time you need and know how very much he loved you. Sending you big hugs and lots of. Positive vibes to help heal your heart my friend.
    Blessings,
    Jill

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  21. Dear Lara, my heart breaks for you, what a nightmare. So hard not knowing, the pain of missing a son, I cannot even imagine. I pray you find some ansers, Blessings Francine.

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  22. Lara, praying for you and your kids to find comfort and peace. I hope you seek help through a lawyer and a counselor for you and the kids. Such grief cannot be born alone, you need help to deal with the pain. God is still there, Lara, even through this horror. Seek Him.

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  23. I am so sorry laura. I cannot begin to imagine what you have to go through. I do know that sometimes our burdens are so heavy and are too hard to carry alone. I agree with others that joining a support group or just talking to other's who understand you can help you progress through your greif so you can at least function. Take care. -Steph-

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  24. Today is October 25, a Thursday. I came to your blog to thank you for visiting my blog and commenting, too. Then I read about your son.

    My heart goes out to you. I can only imagine that excruciating pain you feel in your heart over his death.

    To lose a child has got to be the most intense agony a mother's heart can sustain.

    But he will be with you always, in your heart, in your laughter, in your memories, in your smile, in every act of kindness you do for others.

    He did not live in vain and you will meet again one day. In the meantime, please accept my most heartfelt condolences. I weep with you. Susan

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  25. I am here because of your comment at Scrappalachia...I don't know the pain you are suffering, but I just wanted to tell you I do know a mother's love for her son, as I have a one and only son that I love so dearly. I can say it would just kill me to have anything happen to him...
    Please know I am praying for you and I wish I could just hug you and cry with you.
    ~Debra

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  26. I too, came over from Scrappalachia, I am so sorry for your loss. I know it is the greatest loss of all. My husbands son was killed in a crash when he was 18, almost 30 years ago now. I can tell you that the pain will get better, it won't always hurt as much as it does right now. Praying for you.

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  27. Lara, I just want you to know that I think of you often and pray for you all the time. I hope you are taking care of yourself. So often since I read about the accident, you will pop into my mind and my heart just aches for you. I know God is laying you on my heart as a reminder to pray for you. I just wish there was more that I could do for you.

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