Tuesday, August 21, 2012

It Has To Be A Bad Dream

It has to be a bad dream. I just can't believe it really happened. I can't move forward. I can't leave him behind. Every thing has to stay the same so he knows I did not leave him behind. It all has to be the same when he comes back. I expect him to come back. I keep telling God I can't do this & I don't want to do it. I beg God to turn back the hands of time & bring my precious child home to me. Please give him back. The minutes turn to hours the hours turn to days with no end in sight only just to get to the next day & get it over with. My life is nothing but torture. No one really understands my pain. Others around me seem to be moving on. It's been 42 days. Never have I been seperated from you this long. I need to see his face & hear his voice. See his beautiful smile & hear his laugh. I need to touch him & talk with him. He is my talker. He always knows how to make me feel better. Those special words I love you I long to hear. I keep hearing him & I say I love you to each other before we hung up the phones. Four hours later no text & no answer. Silence............. I see his face from the day before & hear the words he spoke to me. Not left to see him again until 5 days later. I asked but was told you don't want to see him like that. Next time I asked I was told the lighting's not good he's not ready. Believing God would breath his breath back into him as he did Adam & fill his veins with the precious blood of Jesus God would raise my boy up. About three hours before the first service my precious child lay still & lifeless. Cold & hard to my touch. I lay my head on his chest to hear no heartbeat. This can't be true. In the clothes I picked & prepared for him. Special clothes he loved given to him by me for Christmas. He begged at the time to be given them before Christmas. I made him wait. I had to make sure everything was just right before leaving to go pick his sister up from the hospital before the service would begin. Never did I expect what I would find when I lifted the casket blanket. My heart sank in shock & disbelief. Laying the casket blanket back down as quick as I could so his baby brother would not know. His fathers face I looked into. He tryed to protct me. So very little time I got to be with him before he took his ride in his truck with his rebel flag waving behind the next day. His truck he loves. Like his mother it takes little to make him happy. It has to be a dream. It can't be true. Only seventeen. This week you are were eithteen. No cake No icecream No gift. We always go out to eat together. You me. Your sister & brother. Ballons on a grave. One with a note to you sent into the sky by us. I can't accept this. You have to come back. I call you. I text you. I message you. I talk to you. I beg God each day to show me where you are. I pray as your mother I did not fail you for all eternity. I saw this in my dreams in the weeks before. I told you my fears. I spoke to you of God & eternity. I prayed & trusted God with all my heart & soul each day through out the the day I would never see the death of any of my children or grandchildren in my lifetime. Nor they. I told God this. I prayed all souls would be saved before leaving this world. I don't understand or really believe. I seek answers. Your sisters screams the red flashing lights your fathers voice asking who told you that? The second the cop answered my question. Is he dead with the answer yes my heart shattered & my life ended as I knew it. I am no longer me & never will be me again. I LOVE YOU MY PRECIOUS SON. I NEED YOU MY PRECIOUS SON.

46 comments:

  1. Bless your heart! Praying for you in your grief.
    Be blessed,
    Cindi

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  2. Oh Lara,

    Your post just wrenches my heart and I am sitting hear crying for you and this horrible tragedy you are enduring. There is nothing so painful, so raw as a mother's grief. I am praying comfort for you and perserverence through this awful pain.

    Kate W.

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  3. Dear lara..There are no words that will sooth your broken heart..I know this being a mother myself. As Kate said there is nothing more painful or so raw as a mother's grief.. My heart goes out to you!I can only tell you that I'm sending up prayers that God reaches out to you, comforts you & gives you the strength to perservere.

    Blessings
    Tonya

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  4. My dear Lara....your words wrench my heart and soul like no other...and I cannot dare to even pretend to imagine your grief and pain. I do not want to know it, and I fear it. I only wish there were some way I could reach out with comfort to you, but I know none other than to pray. To pray. And to pray again. This I have done since I read your news. This I will continue doing until you find some kind of peace. Please know that Lucas is held tightly in the Lord's arms now. His reasoning we know not....we have but to accept. I'm not sure what I have to offer you, but if you ever wish to e-talk, please know I am here. Hugs ~ Robin

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  5. Lifting you in prayer Friend
    I cant even imagine what you are feeling but I am praying Our Heavenly Dad holds you ,comforts you and gives you his strength.
    Love to you
    Trace

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  6. You are suffering the worst nightmare a parent can ever imagine. Please seek comfort from those around you.
    With Love, mark

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  7. Lara~
    No words from me just~ hugs & prayers to guide you~
    Teresa

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  8. I cannot imagine the grief you must be going through...your post touched me so. May you take comfort in knowing that your sweet son is with his Heavenly Father. No words said can help, but we are all praying for your peace and comfort.

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  9. Lara, no words can be spoken that will help to heal the sorrow that you and your family are enduring. I wish there was a way to turn back time for you and only pray that in time the wonderful memories of your son will replace the ones in your head right now. Sending up lots of prayers for you and your family.
    Donna

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  10. I have been praying for you and your family and will continue to do so~so very sorry for your loss...

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  11. I a beyond words. My heart torn for your hurt. I am a mother 7 times over and I can not imagine loosing one of these. Truly your gift was short lived. He was blessed to have such a wonderful mom. Remember what his life taught you. I am so sorry for your loss! My love and prayers stretch over to you and your family! ~Rhoda

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  12. My heart breaks for the pain that you are going through, I pray for your peace and comfort and strength. My thoughts and prayers are with you, bunches of hugs, Lecia

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  13. I am so very sorry for your loss. Praying you will find comfort.

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  14. I am very sorry for your loss. Know that your baby boy is in God's loving arms. I hope you find some comfort. Remember his short life and that it will always live on in your heart. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

    D

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  15. Oh Lara, I'm so sorry for your pain and what you are going through. Time will heal all pain and time is what you will need. I'll continue to pray for you that you will find some comfort in all this.

    Blessings
    Robin

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  16. I am so so sorry for your loss! You have been in my thoughts and prayers since your last post. I pray you will find some help with your grief! Big hugs to you!

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  17. Dear Lara,
    My heart cries and aches with you. I know you are hurting so bad inside. Our children should not leave this earth before us. And the hurt is unreal. Having lost an infant son years ago, I know your hurt. But words cannot relate what we are feeling. Please keep up your faith and know it was God's will. He needed another angel and your son filled that place. Hugs to you and your family. I have a post on about a Black Butterfly that I posted in May,2012. If you have a chance to read it. It may help you. You may not realize it, but he is with you and there will be signs to let you know. Take care Lara. Hugs to you.

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  18. OMG dear Lara, I cannot begin to tell you how very sorry I am for you right now. When my uncle passed at the age of 42, My grandmother was a wreck, She told me a parent never expects the loss of a child before them...reading about your precious Lucas reminded me of that. I lost my fiance at the age of 20, and all I can say is time heals...you will never forget Lucas as I never forgot my Michael. My prayers are with you. Take care, Janice

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  19. Lara, I'm sending prayers up for you and your family. I know it will be hard, but try to find comfort in and with your other children. God be with you during your loss. My deepest and sincerest sympathy.
    Hugs~Carol

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  20. My heart breaks for you.
    Sending you my prayers.
    Hugs to you sweetheart,
    Tam

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  21. Oh..dear Lara..... my heart hurts for you and your family. Please know that many are keeping you in their prayers as you mourn the loss of your precious child.....Wishing you strength and comfort,
    Penny

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  22. Lara, I go to church with a lady who has lost two of her children through car accidents.
    She is such a sweetheart, but you can tell at times that her pain is unbearable, I know she would be glad to talk to you. I am not sure if she even has a computer, but if you would want to give me your address, I know she would talk to you. She knows the grief that you are going through. Sometimes it helps to talk to someone else that is going through the same thing. If you would want to get in touch with me my email is Lecia123@verizon.net
    My heart breaks for you, bunches of hugs, Lecia

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  23. Lara, you don't know me, but I often read your posts. I am so very sorry for your loss. This is the nightmare every mother dreads. I know your faith is strong and it will carry you and your family in your grief. Praying for your comfort.--Jan

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  24. Lara..I stumbled upon your blog tonight. I don't even know what to say...as a mother..my heart breaks for you. I have a friend who lost her daughter when she was 2. She has never been the same as before, and I am not sure that we are meant to be. My Grandma lost one of her sons when he was 24, I remember the sorrow..the asking God why..the heartache..and she also was never the same. I pray for Gods healing for your family. We of faith know God..love him..and trust him. but it is times like this..we really need him.To guide to heal.

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  25. Oh Lara I am so so sorry for your loss, your right a mother never expects to have to say goodbye to her child, I am praying God will give you peace as you walk this path, oh God I can't even begin to imagine what you are thinking or feeling, please know you are in our thoughts and prayers and God will never leave you nor forsake you my friend...God Bless you and your family.

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  26. Lara...such a devastating time for your family, i'm so sorry that you have to go through this heartache. In times as this, it seems there are no proper words to give, in silence my prayers pour out for you.

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  27. Lara,

    My heart hurts for you...there are no words to express my deepest sympathies to you and your family. Sending hugs, love, and prayers.

    Blessings,
    Jill

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  28. I am praying for you Lara, that God will wrap his arms around you and give you comfort. We who follow your blog care a great deal about you and are here to listen and offer our love and support to you.. I pray that you will be comforted by the love of God and knowing you will see your son again.

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  29. Lara, this world just doesn't make sense sometimes, but your son would want his mom to take care of herself. Honor him by taking care of the mom he loved. Your strength to write this post is unbelievable. We hear your every word. The pain and disbelief is completely understandable. I don't get it either, but just ask for you to get rest, eat, don't get dehydrated and keep writing. Now, your son is getting a front row seat to everything; love is always present - your love and his love.

    God bless you Lara...I'm so sorry for this terrible loss.

    Lana

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  30. Lara, I am so very sorry for your loss...As a Mom, I can only imagine how devastated you must be. I will pray for you and your family!

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  31. Lara, I am so so sorry for your loss. It has been 10 years and 4 months since our sweet son Brad went home to be with the Lord. I do not know how you feel, but I do understand the pain you are feeling. Please if you need to talk please don't hesitate to write me and we can get in touch. I will be praying for you and your family that the Lord will give you the peace that passes all understanding. With Christs love Pam

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  32. I can't even begin to know what you are going through... but it's OK to grieve. Grieve as long as you need to. Cry as much as will come. Your lives will never be the same... and even though "life goes on"... your life will go on differently - but just know that your son would want you to keep living in honor of him. Some folks I know who lost their son in a tragic accident a few years ago started doing a Blood Drive in his name... and they do one every year now. People come out in droves to honor his memory! When you feel the time is right, do something in honor of your son's life, perhaps something to help others who may be fighting for their lives. It may help you in the grieving process and give you a sense of purpose as you heal... all the while knowing that your son would be proud to know that you're out there making a difference because of HIM. You and your family are in my prayers, Lara.

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  33. Oh Lara,
    Honey, I am SO, SO sorry! I just saw this!
    My heart breaks for you, and I cannot know what you are feeling. I watched my parents go through this with my brother, it was one of the hardest things in my life.
    I am just so sorry for your family! God is with you, and has not forsaken you. We don't always know or understand why these things happen, I do pray that your son came to know the Lord.
    I will pray for your family.
    God bless,
    Renee

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  34. Oh Goodness Lara, I wondered where you were, but had no idea until now. I have no words, can only offer prayers for your heart ache. This is so tragic.
    betty

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  35. Dear Lara, I have not been keeping up reading my blogs and I just clicked on yours, so as I sit with tears streaming down my face, wishing I could hug you and tell you I care, I want to tell you how sad I am. I can not begin to realize the pain of losing ones son. Life does not seem fair at times and I just have no words to express what I want to say....I am so so sorry.
    ((Hugs)))
    Donna

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  36. My heart goes out to you. Your life has changed in an instant! You know the same pain my sister felt many years ago. My 17 year old nephew was killed in a car accident on Homecoming Day just 2 blocks from his home. Wet road conditions from a morning thunderstorm. The weather was beautiful and sunny...roads still wet. He hydroplaned and hit another car head on. Killed in an instant...crushed by the steering wheel. Saw it coming, broke the break pedal pushing down so hard. The hardest viewing and funeral I have ever attended. He has now been gone longer than he was alive. Hugs and prayers sent your way that God will give you the strength and peace you need.

    ~Judy~

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  37. Oh Lara, I can't even believe what I am reading! I am so, so very sorry. I can't keep the tears from flowing as I read through your post. I have been following your blog for so long and even though I have never met you or your family, I still feel like I know them just from reading your blog. I know how much you loved him and all your kids. I know they are your life. I can't even imagine how you feel. Sweet Lara, I wish I was there to hold you and be there for you. But please know you are on my mind and I will definitely be praying for you and the other kids. I'm sorry friend.

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  38. I'm crying along side you. Your pain screams across the page of this post. There are no words. No relief. My sister in law walked though the same darkness with her son, my sweet nephew. When I see her, we cry. It's too painful to do anything else. I screamed when I was by myself. I screamed, cried, begged, questioned. "Why, Why, Why?" There were no answers, no reasons. Just a hole that will never be filled. I'm so, so sorry.

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  39. Dear Lara, once again I feel your pain, so so sad. Hugs Francine.

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  40. I am so sorry for your pain. Our 12 year old son entered heaven a year and a half ago~ so I understand your pain. My prayers go before the throne of God on your behalf this morning. Cling to Jesus, trust His leading, be where you are. Love in Christ~ Terri

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  41. Tears for your pain, your loss, your grief. I've traveled this road, yet in the midst of it I didn't want to hear those words. MY grief was different I wanted to scream. And so is yours and for that I weep for you.

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  42. I am just speechless over your words and my heart is so heavy.
    May God wrap you in comfort to help lessen your pain.

    Sending you a hug and a prayer,
    Audrey

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  43. Lara, sending hugs and prayers for comfort to you. Hope your other kids are doing OK. Take comfort in them, Dear Lady.

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  44. Hello, new follower here and I’d like to invite you to join me at my weekly
    Clever Chicks Blog Hop:

    http://www.the-chicken-chick.com/2012/12/clever-chicks-blog-hop-13.html
    I hope you can make it!
    Cheers,
    Kathy Shea Mormino
    The Chicken Chick

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  45. Dear Lara, I was just visiting your site when I read the beautiful tribute to your son. My niece lost her precious son in a car accident two years ago. Both she and her husband help missionaries coming back from the field. It seems hard to remain strong while being in the public eye. I am just so sorry for your loss and was very touched that you use your blog to pray for others. May God continue to comfort you. Carole

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