Emotional Roller Coaster

Thanks for all the support you have all given me. These days this is the only place I can find any peace or support. I have been on the emotional roller coaster ride for what seems like forever with no end in sight. There are so many things bouncing off the walls on my mind I cant find the beginning or the end or where to begin. Sam will be returning to public school. Our days of schooling at home will come to a close soon. It's not really what I want but I'm not strong enough right now for battle. I have poured myself into his schooling. At the end of the day It hit's me I need to keep going so I can escape my grief. Now a kid can only take so much school in one day. I am going to be so lost with so much time on my hands. I am trying to get back into some creations once again. I's getting off to a slow start. Needles scissors and other things I am hunting. Little things are a challenge these days. It's easy to sit and lose myself in doing nothing. The mind has a vast amount of space open for just getting lost and passing time really doing just nothing but passing time away just to get to the next day only to begin again. The dreaded phone calls received in the wee hours of the morning when all should be snuggled safely in bed asleep never bring good news as I have learned the hard way. Sunday Morning 4:30 am it came again. In fear I ran to the phone knowing It would only be bad news. In fear something happened to Laken. I thank God it was not her but it was my stepson this time. News from his mother he had been in a crash and was in route to a hospital miles away. She could not follow could I and his father go? We started the long journey not knowing what awaited in the trauma unit. It was hard to hold myself together. Reliving the loss of my own son's crash and death. Amazingly he was released the same day. Thank God. I have seen him escape death so many times over the years. I ask why did my boy not get a second chance? I put myself out there again only to be hurt again. In all this I have seen how the X wife can depend on my husband at any time. Why it hurts is the fact he has not been there for me in our own son's death. The blame game started day's after the funeral of our son. Our son age 17 my husband stayed the course of tough love but with his son it's not that way. There is always some one else to blame. His son is 36 I have no problem with him being there for him only the problem of him being there for the x. As I told him after another call from the x today its time for him to cut it off from her your my husband not hers. She has her own husband she should be turning to and depend on for her needs. The X thanked me Sunday for every thing and said she knew we had enough on our plate with the death of our son and she would not bother us. But the day started with her call and here needs. It may seem cruel on my part but I told my husband they are where there at with there son now because they have always bailed or bought their son out every time and he made our son learn the hard way. When our son done something wrong he was made to take his punishment and pay costs from his mistakes. I have put myself out there went way beyond and above when it comes to the X wife. I would move heaven hell or earth to get to my son if I could. I know what it took to keep me from my son's dead body at the crash when all I wanted was to go to him and touch him and pray. I was held back by the trooper. My arms carried the black and bruised marks from his hands and fingers. I fell to my knees on the road causing cuts and bruising then flat on my back trying to move but my body would not until I saw Laken in the field screaming I crawled to her. I tried to hold her back. I wrapped my arms and legs around her body but her unbelievable strength over powered my strength and I left go. My stepson's mother could not come to him because she needed to open her business. This is beyond what I can understand.