Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Seven Months

Long seven months be, Pain to much to bare, Unending shed tears, Can hardly move, Heart still beats, Part of me has died, Questions never fade, Questions beg the answers, Unlock the silence, Set the answers free, Holder of the key. Sunday 2/10/13 marked the seventh month since my son was killed. I still don't have the answers to many of my questions. Silence has been kept by those who could answer but they either say they don't know or they can't remember. I continue to write how I fill in a journal. The two survivors 18 and over. I have gotten to read some of the statement's given to the police. After reading I found that what I felt in my heart all along was right.. What I was told by one of the survivors dose not match there statement to the police. My son took those two up to the dead driver's home after the girl threatened my son with "she would take his key's and drive her X boyfriend up there. The girl was dating my son and the boy was her X boyfriend. They were there no more than 5 minutes before the X boyfriend got into an argument with the boy who was the driver that was dating my daughter over him & my daughter not giving him a ride earlier in the day to get to the drivers house where the X had been crashing. An argument over my daughter not having enough gas in her car to come pick him up started this all. I was told the X said "I'm out of here and threatened to kill himself. This X had already threatened to kill himself two other times because he couldn't get the girl back and just wanted to be with his best friend who had been killed 4 years ago. Another girl had found the X on a bridge threatening to jump from the bridge on to the Pa turnpike. She talked him down and days later he did it again and the driver who was dating my daughter talked him down that time. I find this all out after my sons death. I was told after the X went out the door my son realized this girl was gone. She went after her X then my son went after her. The driver then went after them all in my daughters car. When my daughter came out of the bathroom the drivers brother was the only one there other than the mother who told the cop she was asleep until she was awakened by the drivers (her son) brother asking for keys to go look for everyone. My daughter and the drivers brother left to look for the others after a text from another girl who knew my son was taking his girlfriend and the X to the drivers home after she heard there was an accident on a monitor. They were stopped at a road block. The brother an under age driver left my daughter there to go get his mother out of bed. My daughter was asked to give information to the emergency crew. She saw her brothers girlfriend and her X removed from the car and loaded in helicopters. She was told her brother and boyfriend were still moving. They lied to her. When I got there the cop held me back from going to my son. I was told he and the driver were both dead. My screams rang out my husband had not been told by the other cop. When he came to me I told him our son was dead. He said who told you that. I fell to the road. I could not move even when I tried. The emergency team and cop told me to just be still. I saw my daughter crouched on the ground in the field screaming. I crawled to her. I had to tell her they were not coming out that they were both dead. She was hysterical. I wrapped my arms and legs around her on the ground trying to keep her from going to the car. Her unreal strength I could not hold. She broke free and was knocked to the ground by the cop who threatened to arrest her. I ran deep into the field screaming. The drivers brother ran after me holding me. He was hurting to. He lost his brother. We were told we had to leave before they could remove my son's and the driver bodies from the car. My daughter and I were loaded into an ambulance then in route to the hospital My husband was being driven home to our youngest son by a member of the fire company. In October the cop came with an incomplete police report to my home. I was given the information the driver tested for weed & alcohol. I and my husband were to come to the police station to go over the report when we could. For me my son was killed over a stupid girls love triangle her X's suicide threats and a drunk high driver speeding with no license and not enough gas and a mother who knew she had a problem if she had to keep count of beer. None of it was worth my son getting killed. I read in the police report the drivers mother stated her son should not have been driving because when he gets angry he has a heavy foot and drives fast and he was stupid for driving drunk. She stated she went home and counted the cans of beer in her fridge after having one her self but told the cop she didn't know where her son got the alcohol. She was the only one of us at the crash scene not showing any emotion just smoking a cigarette. When my daughter got released from the hospital she went up to her boyfriends home to help plan his funeral. The day before my sons viewing the same day of the drivers funeral the drivers mother called me to come get my daughter she was in shock and they needed to get to her sons funeral. I found my daughter naked in the shower cuts on her arms & legs (from visiting the crash site earlier in the day after I was told she would not be left alone while there, I had tried to get her to come home the night before. Told I could do nothing to get her out of there because she was over 18) her eye was swollen black and blue. Her eyeball was pure red and bleeding out. Her mouth was foaming. I asked that mother if my daughter took something? I was told no. I got out of my daughter she had taken pills and drank beer and fell down the steps. The mother sent her son to count the beers in the frig. This family was getting ready to attend her sons funeral and they were setting around smoking and drinking. I asked for an ambulance to be called. My daughter was carried to the ambulance by a cop. This was her second trip to the hospital by ambulance that week then transferred by ambulance to another hospital. She missed her boyfriends funeral. I got her out of the hospital just a few hours before seeing my son for the first time after his death then picked up my daughter and went to my sons viewing. I have been told by the cop the investigation will be being closed soon. Every thing I told him I found out was considered here say and no action would be taken. You cant charge a dead driver and no proof were the weed and alcohol came from. I have kept this all bottled up for so many months. I asked my husband why should I have to keep my mouth shut when asked what happened to my son. He said who says you have to? All those people continue on as if nothing ever happened and I've got remarks from people saying what will it matter if you get answers to your questions it wont change that your sons dead. Other remarks were shit happens that's life and get over it I don't know what the big deal is. I add to the list of reasons my son is dead. The mother must have had a problem if she has to keep a count of the beer in her frig. The morning of my sons funeral my husband took me to that woman's home to get my daughters dog that was tied out in the hot sun with a chain twisted to the point the dog could not move. While getting my daughters pocketbook and things while the mothers other son helped me while the mother talked to my husband I got a huge shock. Empty beer cartons piled high to be burnt in the back yard. Empty beer cans all around inside and outside the house. A well stocked step like shelf of whiskey and wine in the kitchen. Might as well been a bar room. My sons girlfriends pocketbook and bags of her belongings and clothes along with the her X's bag of clothes. My son took nothing up there only the socks and shoes on his feet and his shorts and a hat on his head. He didn't even wear a shirt. I honestly believe she was dumping my son for her X and used my son for a ride for her and her X. I have been told while my son was at work his girlfriend and her X spent the night shooting shots and she was just using my son to make her X jealous. None of this was worth my sons life. I think he gave into the girlfriends threat because he knew I would be mad if I found out she took his truck. (she had no license either, my two kids were the only ones with license and vehicles) No one understands how this makes me fill. The girl and her X got back together after they were released from hospitals. The girl can not walk. The girl got a ring for Christmas from the boy. This just makes me sick. I needed to get this out. A lot can happen in just 5 minutes and two weeks. My son and daughter had only been dating these people for 2 week. I made my kids stay on there drivers permits for a year to be sure they had experience before getting their license's. I helped find them vehicles that they paid for along with repairs up keep and insurance. All so they would have driving experience and wouldn't be in a vehicle with little to no driving experience. I tried do every thing right.


  1. Lara what an awful story I just pray to God that someday you feel some peace.

  2. I am so sorry. I can feel the pain and turmoil in your words, Lara. Your heart has been broken, and I don't know what to say. But I can pray for peace and healing for you and your family in this very, very difficult time.

  3. My dear....I cannot begin to understand your pain, but I want to help. No matter who did what, it doesn't really matter in the end. Our Lord called your sweet son to Him, and is cradling him in His arms.
    Try to take comfort in that...and try to leave the bitterness behind and concentrate on the wonderful things your son was. I think in the past I have suggested creating a scholarship in his name...so that his legacy will live on.
    Your pain must be unbearable at times...and I am so sorry you have to go through this. I will pray hard for you and your family.

  4. So sorry you are having to go through this. I continue to keep you and your family in my prayers Lara.

  5. You did everything right and this is not fair. It is not fair to you. It is not fair to your son and not fair to your daughter. Unfortunately it sounds like you will have to wait for God to make all these evil people answer for what they did. You remain in my prayers. I hope that your daughter is doing better and that both of you can find some peace.

  6. Thank you for your visit to my blog. You are so right... family members are most important.

    One thing that really stuck with me this past year from our pastor is when he talked about our God being a just God. In Revelation 6-18, Jesus is the righteous judge. Rev. 16:5 says Then I heard the angel in charge of the waters say: "You are just in these judgments, you who are and who were, the Holy One, because you have so judged". As much as we want, demand justice to be done right now... we need to be prepared that it might not happen in our lifetime. Jesus righteously judges the earth in the end so we know that those in the wrong will suffer for it. They will get away with it now but I feel sorry for them in the end. They will not escape His wrath! Live your life knowing that you did right, you raised your children up right. It's very unfortunate that they were caught up in this mess but please know that ultimately justice will be served. Many hugs and prayers to you friend~

  7. You have tried your best as a mother. You have tried your best to put it together. You have tried your best to live through this. At least you know, you have tried your best. I know that doesn't make it better though. I am sorry. -Steph-

  8. Lara, please know that you are a good Mom, you did the very best you could. Please he would want you to grow things, and plant, and smile again. He loved you and would not want you to be so grief stricken, he would want you to go on. Please try and find a good grief counselor in your area, contact KLOVE radio or on line, they have people to pray with, they can find you someone closer to talk and pray with you. You have to know, you may or may not find the answers you are looking for. But you can know this

    God absolutely loves your son and you, and your children. He has not forgotten you, or them. The Bible says "precious in the sight of the Lord, is the death of His Saints". Death is the way we pass from this life on to the next with Him in heaven." The letting go can be so very hard, and lonely, but we go to to live forever, with no more tears, no more sorrow, and no more pain. Your son belongs to Him, and he knows all this now, already he has seen such great things that are beyond our understanding here.. He would tell you, he is at peace, and that you need to smile again. It will not be easy for you, you will still cry, and mourn him, but little by little you will smile again. Remember the good memories of him helping you with your projects, and loving the pup, and getting his first deer. The good you carry with you always, the good memories get sweeter as time goes on. You have to belief God Himself will bring your son's justice when the time is right. You have great faith, that God will help you when He knows it is time. Please just take some rest and lean on Him to handle this very horrific thing that has come to pass. Please, just know He will help, you, keep your hope in Him.

    Praying, Lara.

  9. Oh Lara how frustrating. As a Mother you need answers and need to put everything together. You didn't fail at anything ~ you did the best you could do. I pray for you and your family that some day you will find peace.
    As I said before time will heal all wounds.

  10. Oh, so sorry Lana. Sending hugs and prayers. Sometimes all of the answers just won't help.
    Bad things happen to good people as well. I know nothing will help, but I lost my brother a few years ago in an industrial accident. This guy was the best and most loving child, husband, father,employee, friend, and brother.He would do anything for anyone. No answers to the WHY. I hope that you find comfort. hugs~Sara
    Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. John 14:27

  11. Good Morning
    Oh how sorry I am ..
    Continually praying for you my friend.
    And your family.
    Sending you a big hug too.
    Love in Him

  12. Hi Lara, I am just so sorry for all you have gone though. And you are a good mom, don't ever think differently. I wish it was something that I could do to make you feel better and take away your pain. I will continue to pray for you to have peace and for the pain to leave. Bunches of hugs, Lecia

  13. Morning Lara, so so sad your Son lost his life for those drunks.....Don`t understand what people get out of boozing, just not right, happy you took the dog home.........My heart is heavy for you, how does one find confort after all this.....Will keep you in my prayers, You Are A Great Mother Lara, Hugs Francine.

  14. Awful awful waste of your son's life. Keep on doing the right thing and pray even in the silence for God keeps all of our tears in a bottle and even though we don't understand the why's of it all He knows and care for your broken heart. Praying for you.

  15. Lara, I read some of the comments and you know what, someone said "who did what it really doesn't matter at the end. I say BS YES it does matter.
    I am disguised that is other Mother, if you call her that because I have a name for her but I can't say it but I WANT to,her smoking and drinking like it is NO BIG DEAL, I say she is HEARTLESS!!!!!!!!! She NEEDS HELP!
    You now your son was being used by this so call girlfriend to make her X jealous, and it makes me sick to my stomache.

    Lara, people that are leaving you comments or people you talk to that live in your town, HAVE NO RIGHT to SAY get over it, extra.
    They wouldn't be sying this if they were in your shoes that's for sure.
    You have every right to know the TRUTH!!!!!!!
    I am praying for you and you should go and see your son because you told him that you would go and visit him and you promised him that, you are a wonderful Mother.
    I am praying for you so much and I am here for you, you have my email if you what to talk. I am here and I understand 100%.
    God Bless you Lara,
    BIG, BIG HUGS to you and your daughter too, and you whole family!!!!!!!!
    Tricia XO

  16. I am so sorry for your loss. The loss of a son (or daughter)is a never ending sorrow. Four years later, there are still days when I am sorrowful, even though I do what Daniel would want and focus on his siblings and his Dad. There may be answers that both of us never receive until we see them again........and have no doubts, we will !

  17. I am so very sorry for your loss. I have been steadily praying for you and your family. I cannot imagine going through this, and then to find out it could've all been prevented. I'm not gonna say you shouldn't feel like you do, and that it doesn't matter who did what, because it would matter to me too! I only hope and pray you are able to find some peace with this terrible tragedy. God bless you!

  18. Lara, I am so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. I don't know what else to say except that I will be praying for you, and if I were with you I would give you a hug. Thank you so much for sharing this. God bless you.

  19. LARA MY HEART HURTS FOR YOU...as a mother I can understand the sadness you feel not getting answers or even satisfaction out of the others involved...it's like they didn't even care. HOW HORRIBLY SAD.

    Please think about your son only...he's with God...these other people have to live with themselves....please don't dwell on what could be but what is now....you had a wonderful son you loved - you did things right...you are on the good side of this...they are not. Think about him and go on from there.
    Hard as it is to do you will feel much better than carrying around the bitterness.

    THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR VISITING MY BLOG...you left such a sweet comment!
    I want to wish you a Happy Valentine's Day.
    Big hugs,

  20. I disagree with Wendy of Ravenwood...IT DOES MATTER who did what. I am a Christian also and believe your son is with God and waiting for you in the next life. But in this life we have a responsibility to speak out against wrong-doing and substance abuse that kills others. Keep speaking out against it and don't stop - in your son's honor. At some point your focus will switch solely from that horrible family you described and onto helping others going through this. It hasn't been that long. You have a right to feel as you do. Peace be with you -Lisa

  21. Lara, all that above that you wrote is too much to handle. Throw all that out. I know. I know! it is important and you need to work thru that sometime. not yet. File it away for when you are stronger. For now, you need to breathe. You need to mourn the loss of your son and help your daughter find her way.

    Let all that extra go for now (I'm praying that you can) and think about your son, your sweet boy that went before you, your dear girl and Sam. Belly breaths. Find your Minds Eye and see and cherish and mourn for these three. These four. For you too. For now, look to God, for the Light. Move forward one day, one step at a time. Hoping to read a new post, here soon.

  22. Lara,

    I feel your pain so strongly. When we lost my brother in law there were many unanswered things that we still question today. Follow your heart my friend and do what you feel is necessary to keep this from happening to others. My heart aches for you and I wish I was close to embrace you in a big hug and let you cry on my shoulder. Have faith in God and know it takes time to heal and grieve as long as you need to. Talking about it and writing is a great way to get the emotions out and start sorting it all. Please know I'm keeping you and your family in my prayers and not a day goes by i don't think of you.

    Blessings my friend,


  23. My heart breaks for you. My prayer is that your pain will be eased.

  24. We passed the third year anniversary of our son's death this month. Such days are the hardest thing to live through, and nothing makes them better, we just have to go through it. The hardest part of what you wrote, for me, is knowing you did everything you could to raise your children right, and in spite of it all, some careless, troubled people brought this grief to your door. In my case, I knew it was not the truck driver's fault, I am sure he did everything he could to avoid the accident, but there it is--it happened despite his best efforts and I am completely sure, those of my son to also avoid it. I believe your son also did everything in his power to avoid this accident, Lara. You did everything you could, and he did all that he could. What you suffered no mother, no one, should have to bear. I had those terrible nights too, of seeing my son's truck swerve in the face of that semi, I felt his terror and it was a terrible thing. I was angry, lost hope and faith for a time, but found my way back--and my dreams now are of happy and smiling, helping me with things in my dream. Someone once said that great grief leads to deep joy. I do not think I am there yet, but I am closer. You will take those same steps, and you will slide back, too, over and over, but still you will move forward and eventually, perhaps both of us will find the deep joy. For now, I am content in knowing I had my son in my life and thank God every day for that time with him. I hope that you might come to that place too, and the memory of the joy with your son will dull the pain of these other terrible memories. Sending love and a sister's hug to you.

  25. I have no words that can touch your sorrow. So, I am praying for you & your family. I am so sorry that this has happened & I hope knowing that complete strangers hurt with you & care about what has happened gives you a little bit of ease.

  26. Lara, I am so sorry. As a mother,my heart does not know what you are going through, but I do know it has to be broken. My grandma lost her son when he was 24, He was rear ended by who we dont know on his motorcycle. From that day forward there was always a piece of her missing. My family was broken. We did not understand.Nothing like this had ever happened to my family.We wanted answers, we wanted him back.He was young,had so much more life to live. Little by litte over the years, Which were 30 years until my grandma passed, it got a little less hard on her. I believe it NEVER got easy. My family learned to talk about him again..the good and the bad. One thing I believe with everything in me, is she knew her son was with God and that she WOULD see him again. I pray that the Lord helps heal your broken heart, that he lessens the hurt, cause he is the only one that can. We cab all say things to you to help,but He is the comforter. I encourage you to blog about him, either with feelings or memories,holding in will not help you. Before my Grandma passed she talked about going to meet Jesus, seeing her parents and her son. I honestly believe that was at the most peace she had with it.

  27. With my love, thoughts and Blessings, always x
    Karen xx