As I said in the title Welcome to the homestead kitchen. I'll tell you a little story about the hand water pump if you like. Well I had been wanting one for the past three years after being out bid at the public auction at my Pap's garage after his passing. I have the memory of he & I talking about his pump the day he showed it to me on one of my visits. Pap had bought it at a public sale to add to his little museum of antiques housed in his pretty large garage. Last summer we visited the Wednesday flee market in Reedsville PA just as we do every summer. I found the pump there and made an offer on it. The vendor accepted & home it came with us to the homestead. I remember getting a cell call from Lucas on the way home. I answered & he said "don't be mad but I hit a deer last night, I wasn't going fast, the right side of the truck is damaged & the grill to". (little did I know he would be dead 6 days later). I was just thankful he was ok. Even thow his headlight had been replaced day's before when he hit a sign post. Sam Rockie & I made it home shortly after & Lucas & Lakin had went off with friends or to work. That was the 4th of July for us.
This was our meal for two tonight. Sam & I had Teriyaki glazed chicken breast, candied sweet tators, string beans with dryed toms & sliced almonds in spiced olive oil, and bread sticks. The bread sticks were left over from pizza hut on Sunday. If your wondering if the chicken was fresh from the homestead chicken coop it was not. However the little flock has two less these days. I gave Lucy & Ethel to a chicken farmer. Our rooster was so mean to them for some reason. He pecked the feathers out of them till the ladies were pretty much featherless & bleeding. The rooster lives happily with the three other hens Jenny, Ruth, & Grace these day's. The homestead used to seem so little but now it seems so big. I miss the laughter of Lucas echoing. I miss his company right along side of me doing project's. So much has changed for us here at the homestead. Among life passing us by day by day some days I do nothing. As I have said before the mind has a vast amount of space to wonder. I find myself there often. I still keep the promise I made to Lucas the day I was forced to leave him in that cemetery. I promised to visit & never forget about him. I visited today & as always my tears watered the ground. It is so hard leaving & letting him there. My question always begs the answer. What kind of mother put's her son in a box under the ground and leaves him there? Life continues on all around us and I just want to stop. Another question begs the answer. What kind of mother goes on with life as if she never had her son. I feel so guilty at times. The days are long & the nights even longer. I count the days 209 & another day will soon dawn again. I will leave you all tonight as the snow falls outside the homestead & Sam's homework awaits. Blessings Til Next Time!
Lara
Lara,
ReplyDeleteHe IS with you at all times. And, as hard as it is, you should go on as Lucas would want you to. It breaks my heart that you are hurting so much. Wish it could be different.
Thank you for your kind words.Blessings! Lara
Deletethe pump is wonderful, and the meal looks so good.
ReplyDeletepraying for you always Lara.
I would so much like to sit and share this meal with you. Your writings you share are always so heartfelt. Thanks for your prayers & I continue to lift your family & you in prayer. Blessings! Lara
DeleteI am so sad for you Lara. You know that Lucas wants you to go on with life. No one will ever forget him. Would it help to have a notebook and write to him each evening? You did not leave him in the ground - that is just his earthly body. His spirit is still with you and always will be. You did not abandon him. Going on with your life is a memorial to him. I hope that your burdon lightens and you are able to smile again.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind words. I have been writing in a notebook. Some are how I feel as time goes by. It was very upsetting when I could read the statements of two people in the police report. I knew that what my heart was telling me was right. I had been lied to. It has been a way to get what I feel out. Blessings! Lara
DeleteI'm sure that you miss your son every single day, Lara. Thanks for sharing some of your memories of him with us! Blessings to you as you travel on this journey.
ReplyDeleteThank you for visiting & your kind words. Blessings ! Lara
DeleteI know how much you miss you son but please don't take this the wrong way. That is just a shell, Lucus Is holding hanf with our Lord Jesus Christ, He is laughing,be silly,smiling and watching over you.
ReplyDeleteIt really stinks that we have to leave our loved ones ther but they rally ARENOT, they are in heaven the minute the pass over.
My husband and I know this to WELL, we are the ones that should pass FIRST and we know this too.
I am always [raying for you.
Ken and I have never gotten pver the loss, it was a daughter andI gave birth and she passed away 2 days later, that was 24 years ago.
I NEVER told anyone on blogland about this, my hubby (our wedding Anniversary just passed of it has been 23 yrs now)
He would be VERY upset but I really wanted to tell you this. I still hurt, and when I see a lttle baby girl it all rushes back.
We do have 2 sons, our oldest is 21 yrs.old and our younget is 18 yrs.old! We are SO proud of them.
Our oldest is in college and our youngest is
a Senior and graduating in May then in August off to College. I told my hubby that is is going to be an empty nest.
Our youngest has a poodle that is his and I always take care fo him and our oldest has a poodle and I too, take care of him as well.
They aren't going far but will be home on the weekend ao I am happy about that.
Please say a pray for Lucus when you go there today and tell him even if he isn't there just a shell, he is looking down and saying Mom I am in heaven and having a ball.
Please let him know we care for you and pray for you everyday!
BIG HUGS,
Tricia & Ken
First I would like to tell you I am sorry for your loss. After Lucas was buried some around us sent cards. Many read of your heart will heal it will get better in time . I know myself better than any. I believe as you have said you never forget. It is just not natural for our children to pass before us. Thank you for your kind words prayers. Blessings! Lara
DeleteHi Lara,
ReplyDeleteI have been gone for a while, but I wanted to say how sorry I am to hear about the loss of Lucas.
I don't know what that is like, but I have lost a brother, and I have seen what it does to a family.
You don't ever forget them, and they are always in your thoughts.
I do agree with what Tricia says, your son's body is there, but his soul is not.
I am not sure where Lucas relationship with the Lord was at, only he and God knows the answer there, I do pray that you will not let this make you a bitter person inside, your son would not want this for you. I am not sure how one moves forward, I know that I am 41, and I was 10 when my brother passed, and I know that every day I think about him. Somehow, you just move ahead, with the Lords' help.
God bless you Lara.
Renee
Thank you for your kind words. I am so sorry you have lost a brother. I see what it has done to my other children losing their brother. As their mother I SO wish I could make there pain go away. My daughter & Lucas were like twins. They were so close. Where one was the other was. Lucas looked after his little brother. Said everyone knew h e was his brother & you messed with him you answer to me. That was the first year Sam went into High School.Blessings! Lara
DeleteDear Lara, you never left him alone, he is always with you in your heart, Lucas knows that.........Life is so hard dealing with loved ones we lose, but we keep them in our memories,tucked away in our hearts never to fade......Love your pump, your homestead is so cozy, Warm Blessings Francine.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind words. Blessings! Lara
DeleteDear Lara, my heart aches for you everytime I read your blog, I personally could never ever imagine burying one of my children, but we have buried a grandchild, he was 5 months old, very devastating, my step daughter still has such a heavy heart for him, she now has two other children and is so so overly protective of them that I fear for what they will be like as adults.. I do know you have to remember that god is taking care of him, no matter what you mind and heart is saying, I do believe he truly is in a better happier place, even though us being humans are selfish and want them here with us.. I so hope you find it in your heavy heart to open up again and let the sunshine in your life once more, from the pictures I see on the side bar of your blog, you have still alot to live for... talking to someone, a pastor, couselor, friends, will help you lift some of the heaviness... please remember your life is just as special as his... Many prayers for you.
ReplyDeleteBlessings
Rhonda
Thank you for your kind words. I Am so sorry for the loss of your grandchild. Your step daughter may fill just like I do. Lucas is so much a part of me. I fill like he is ripped out of me. All my children define who I am. When Lucas was killed that night I stood on that road and told his father he might as well get a gun and end it for me I can't live with out him. I'm not the me I was a part of me died the second I heard the words he's dead. I am very protective of Sam. The fear is real. I recently sent Sam back to school. I lift your step daughter in prayer. Blessings! Lara
DeleteOh Lara, you are working through your grief and being guilty is a part of that. I have friends who have lost children and this happened to them to. It may sound trite to say lean on God. But really, that is the only way to get through something like this. Your other two children need you. They understand your grief but probably feel helpless to help. I am so glad you are posting again, I can so see you are doing better.
ReplyDeleteLucas will always be in your heart, and while you would rather have him there with you, to think that he is with the Lord would be the only other place I think I could stand for him to be. Blessings and prayers for you.
Thank you for your kind words. Blessings! Lara
DeleteI carry a little bit of the soil from my son's grave in my purse, Lara. It's a day's journey to his grave so I cannot visit often. But that little bit of dirt connects me in some way. I can remember the disbelief of realizing my son would be beneath the ground while I remained above, and like you, I would have died a thousand times to have kept him alive.
ReplyDeleteThe only way I found to go on was to just do it, one day at a time. To allow the time to grieve, usually alone because I did not want my grief to pull down those around me. I am not one who goes to church but my conversations with God are my prayers, and we talked often. I feel such a strong connection to Mary too, because she also lost a son in the most terrible way and she, I know, understands our grief.
I enjoyed your story of your water pump. How strange and fitting that it came back to you. And my son Jon also had many, many fender benders as a teen. He kept me worried all the time and I am sure caused my first gray hairs. Lucas was probably the same way, I think--pushing all boundaries, living hugely and making the most of each minute. Praise be that you had him for those years and have the joy of those memories to carry with you all your years. Memories, after all, are the one gift we have that lives within us no matter what happens in the rest of the world.
And now, will you please come to my house and make dinner? It looks and sounds delicious!
Thank you for your kind words. I am so sorry you lost your son. I Fill I must visit Lucas as I promised. I was told I was going to end up locked up in a mental ward if I didn't stop going. I was told I must be a demon. Only demons visit graveyards. This one reason why I retreat to my blog. So few people have compassion in my area. MY Lucas was much like you described him. Always on the go. Always trying to squeeze more minutes in the hour & living life to the fullest. He was all boy. I have wondered if all the mishaps before his death God may have been preparing me for the end. But no one can be prepared for the death of their child or the such harsh cruel way he died. I am in sever shock of it and how it was handled. I just can't come to terms with it all. SO many lies surround his death. I have been told it won't change the fact he is gone. Blessings! Lara
DeleteAnd so you should. If my son's grave was closer, I would be there every day. I bowed to his wife's request to bury him where she and his daughters could visit often, but that doesn't seem to happen. Yet I know he would have wanted to be close to them. You, dear Lara, are no demon. You are a mourning mother and should visit as often as you must. I smile when I imagine your son, so full of energy, living each minute. I often wondered if my Jon knew his days were few and so crowded them as full as he possibly could. I think of you being there when you son passed, and I think he knew and felt your presence. Wishing I could wrap my arms around you, Lara, and sit by your son's grave with you to listen to you telling me his story. My email is susannaholstein@yahoo.com If you ever want me, I will come and listen and be beside you. Remember that. I will, whenever you need me.
DeleteLara,
ReplyDeleteWhen you were pregnant with your children, you couldn't see them, but you could feel them and know their presence was with you in the most unique way. Your son is with you in such a way, he's with you, he's in your heart. And when YOU have joy, HE has joy. Remember that.
I felt that my sadness might pull my loved one out of their peace, and I know they want to see us joyful, being set free from our bodies means we have no earthly bounds. Lucas has changed addresses, but a part of him will ALWAYS reside in your heart.
More and more moments of smiling will come your way and this is when you need to say, "Lucus, SEE we can STILL share these moments of joy!"
And you might need to truly lead the way for Sam to understand this as well. Lucas is a part of both of you, that's the beautiful part of our spirits...it has no boundaries and can be with both of you!
Okay, I was so happy to see that you were able to also blog about some other things, although I know it may sometimes feel unnatural. Keep doing it! Life does keep moving, even when we fell as if the earth's rotation should stop. This is the hard part of life, things keep going and we must do the same. You are probably doing everything right and have normal feelings. But, I loved the story about the pump! And you always make a place setting look gorgeous and inviting! I'd love to know more about the items on the counter. All of it looks interesting.
Okay, take a moment to smile, to know Lucas is sharing the smile and that your internal happiness is connected to his spirit and it is good for BOTH of you!
Love, Lana
Thank you for your kind words. Sam has been a great concern to me. Lucas looked out for Sam. I would loved to keep homeschooling him but going back to school was time. There were many disturbing actions of others after Lucas was killed. My daughter experienced much of it. I was hoping as time passed people would not find continue & it would save Sam the cruel hurt. I will be so happy for you when you can move to your land. But for now I am happy you are getting a grandchild. Blessings! Lara
DeleteGood Morning Friend
ReplyDeleteI am so glad you are blogging and letting your feelings out with friends.
I learned many years ago sharing helps and sometimes heals.
I too so believe you never leave your son but carry Him in your heart everywhere you go.
Warm Blessings & Giant Hugs to you
Trace
Thank you for your kind words. You and all my blog friends mean much to me. Blessings! Lara
DeleteLara - thanks so much for stopping by my blog! I really appreciate your visit! I think I'm going to love visiting here as well - absolutely LOVE your home!
ReplyDeleteI must say, too, that I read your story about your precious son, too, and it just broke my heart. I have two sons and a daughter, too, and the thought of losing one of my kids is just too much to bear. I think one must NEVER be able to get over it - just keep living life until the Lord calls you home to be with Him and your Lucas someday. I have two friends that have lost children, and it must be the most horrific tragedy that a human being can go through. I know people must have told you - "God understands your pain - He lost his Son, too". I know you believe that but feeling it surely is something else. I'm putting you on my prayer list as well, and praying that you can allow the Lord to pull you out of that deep hole that you're in and the depression that has come upon you. I know that your whole family is hurting, and your husband and your other two kids need you, too. May the Lord bless and keep you in peace and the comfort that passes all understand, Lara.
Thank you for your visit also & your kind words. I lost my Gram 10 yrs ago & my Pap 3 yrs ago. I was very close to them. For me losing my son was much different.. It's like a piece of me was ripped out of the me I was. I would never want for any other mother to know this pain. You touched upon the words that yes I was reminded not long after my sons death that God lost his Son to die on the cross for us. I had though to myself yes but he new he was getting him back. I am not bitter at God but it is so hard not knowing why & knowing God knows my heart & knew what this would do to me. He's my heavenly father why would he let me hurt. It's to big for my little mind. Thank you for your prayers. Blessings! Lara
ReplyDeleteHi Lara, what a beautiful picture of you. I love your blog and so very sorry about your son. You have your other dear children and lucky for them they have such a talented and beautiful caring mother.
ReplyDeleteThabk you for your kind words. Blessings! Lara
DeletePraying for you Lara ... just know that I am praying. Terri
ReplyDeleteThank you Terri. Often parts of your book come to me. I know I am going to have to get even closer to God to keep going. Blessings! Lara
DeleteDinner looks good. I love the breadsticks from Pizza Hut. They are some of my favorite foods. The pump is really awesome. I am glad it came home with you. My heart goes out to you Lara. Your questions tear at the heart. -Steph-
ReplyDelete