Thursday, December 1, 2011

Words Flowed Tears Streamed

While driving to pick Lucas up after work tonight the words flowed from my heart & the tears streamed from my eyes as I poured out my heart to my Lord. Where has my life gone? So much hurt & pain. Way to many times waking to a new day just to put on that happy face & forgive & go on as if nothing has happened all my life. Way to young. Not accepted as his own. Not his blood. Unhappy early childhood memories. Refuge safety & love found at Gram & Paps I ran. Why not after all from a babe to this point that was where I always ended up. Peace seemed to come to my Mother & Step Fathers house with me gone. Only to be forced to return to their home from year to year. Never lasting long. Married way to young as a teen just a babe with a babe myself. Sweet sixteen birthday gifts were maternity clothes. Holding a sweet babe in my arms three months later & married one month after giving birth. Believing there was no other choice. Oh what a mistake that was I soon discovered. With a nine month old baby my eyes were opened to see I was married to a drinker who was running around on me while working away from home. Off and on this continued with splits and getting back together with promises only to be broken later. Stay together for the sake of the child work it out I heard. Words of wisdom from others I believed they were. Physical abuse followed early in the marriage. The pain slowly went away & the bruises faded and healed. With a second child just a babe she was I ran with my children I hid & divorced. A troubled life claimed my oldest child for many years. Blame fell on me by many. Claims made that I had caused this by splitting the family. Soon I found a man who said he wanted a relationship we me and wanted my children. Court battles and police calls. The X was even worse. Within two years the X wanted nothing to do with either child until twelve years later when his mother was dieing. Just my second child was what his mother wanted. Claims in court he loved abd wanted her. In thirteen months his mother died and he to this day has never seen or contacted this twenty year old child. Many strains this court battle put on my second marriage. We survived it all and had been blessed with the birth of two children. Happiness it was but years later troubles followed. The claims of getting older being tied down to a wife and kids and not having money to have the things he believed a man at his age should have by now. Threats of leaving me for someone else. Hateful words spilled out of his mouth often. Claims of never wanting or loving me. Told no one liked me. Insults came often. Your fat your ugly and old. Thirteen years younger than him I never thought this would be a claim. Taking in a dog who he claimed was his only friend and the only one who cared about him he spent more time with his dog than his family. From the point of missing the kids baseball games because his dog needed him and not going to church because his dog wanted to come along and could not. We all became a prisoner of the dogs needs. Leaving the church claiming he could not do the work of the Lord and be a Christian with me in his life. Praying for the Lord to remove me from his life even if it meant me dieing. Off and on telling me to just leave and find another man to take care of me and the kids to once a month to weekly then from day to day. He decided he was going to have what he wanted even if it meant loosing the house that was ours until the day he convinced me to sign a paper that ended up leaving me with no legal rights to the house I put the down payment on and helped pay for for years. More papers to follow with fights. I refused to sign. Learned my lesson. Off he went to purchase a mustang telling me at this point and time in his life he was at the age he should have a house paid for like others his age and have the things he wanted. All he wanted was his dog a motel room and a mustang and a young pretty skinny young blond that he could take to church and be a Christian. Not careing what would happen to the kids and I. Told he had given the kids over to me and I could take care of them after all they did not care about him. Sick of them he claimed. More threats more hateful words and comments. My second child no longer claimed as his own but as a step child. His opinion of all my children was they are all lazy worthless and will never amount to nothing. They smoke dope. Will become a killer. His child from his first marriage he claims and defends. A will leaving all to his son. Walking out on us turning his back on us he did. Experienced physical hurt by one husband and mental hurt by the other husband. Physical hurt fades and heals but the words from mental hurt never go away. They play over and over in my mind they eat at my soul. No faith in men or love. I ask my Lord just how many times must I forgive? Erase my mind of those cutting words. How much time will I have? Will I ever have happiness? Will I ever be loved. Ending my talk with my Lord tonight. I gave thanks for my children & grand children as I asked for all their souls to be saved and their hurts to be healed. Either way leaving or staying in a marriage I have learned children get hurt. My children and grand children truly are my life. They are all I have. I am blessed by them.

Blessings Til Next Time!

p.s. I often think I need a shrink


  1. I should maybe explain this post a bit more. Accepting that the husband I had has not been a husband or father to our children for along time has been hard for me. Being alone and on my own raising my two youngest should be easy since I have really been doing it myself even before the spouse announced his plan to divorce me before he walked out on us. Really in mind and soul he walked out some years ago. Shocked of his opinion of the children I can not accept this. He can not find no good in them no matter what. He accuses them wrongly. Many of those things his first son has done but he defends and finds no wrong. Tonight it really hit me hard where my life has gone while reviewing it and questioning my Lord. I have been very lonely and it helps to talk to my Lord. Not things you can talk to your children of.

  2. My heart goes out to you and your children.This man claims he can not be a Christian tied to you and your kids is laughable.I am sorry but first is God ,then your spouse and then the children and then yourself.I'd like to shake the man silly!!! He is all about himself!Good riddance to him I say ,you and your kids will be far better off without him,once you heal.It will be slow going I know but the Lord will heal you all if you allow it.I know that you all are in my heart,thoughts and prayers. The things in your life have been troubling and maybe just a test by the Lord to see if you stay true.Lot went through so much yet he stayed faithful .No matter the troubles you have faced in life just remember that although there is heartache there are wonderful gifts of love in your children.May God bless and heal your hurt.Big hugs,Jen

  3. I so can relate to your pain. Been married almost 30 years and by tenacity on my part. I believed in my marriage vows even while he didn't. He just got tired of us I think. But at the thought of losing it all after so many times he couldn't handle it.

    We myself and the kids would have nothing to do with him when he left. He would do mean things like come in the house when I was gone and take things. I never ever retaliated. He was making his grave with his children and everyone else. I was miserable but hid it pretty well. Scared to death inside.

    After 3 months he wanted to come home. I had finally a week prior filed for divorce with money borrowed from my dad. After marriage counseling, it is not perfect. Like you said the mental part is the hardest. Forgiving yes, forgetting almost impossible.

    This is my story. God has his plan for you, but I would suggest you not rush into anything. It may be over in his eyes and you cannot force someone to stay with you, but I do commend you for trying so hard to stay in your marriage and make it work. I will pray for you, dear.

  4. Oh Lara dear....I am so sadden by your post, and I want to offer advise. I cannot find an email for you, so this comment will have to do.
    You are right to be seeking and crying out to our Lord for help, because it is in Him that you will find rest. We humans are all flawed, and as such, make the wrong decisions in our earthly relationships. But, as a Christian, you must know that God will NEVER leave you, never criticize you, never forsake you. Listen to HIM, not to a flawed human. He truly loves you, more than you can imagine.
    You say that your children are your life..then live for them and for Him...don't go searching for your self-worth by clinging to those who are not good for you. Yes, Our Lord expects us to forgive seventy times seven and more...but He doesn't want us to continue in relationships that are hurtful. Forgive those who do hurt you and move on without them in your life.
    I can tell you have so much to give...and the Lord will not abandon you, nor will He give you more than you can handle. He made you, He knows you, He knows all that you need, and all that you are capable of. He made a kind, loving and beautiful person, with many talents and gifts. Listen to Him, let Him calm you, comfort you and lead you.
    God bless.

  5. I understand your pain, there is an ex in my life and it sounds like you are describing him. He has 4 children that will not talk to him even after 20 years. I took them and left, I won't lie, it wasn't easy. But it was easier than staying on. Things did improve once we got 'in the groove' of things. I did not have a property or anything to fall back on so I am glad you have something of your own. You can do this, you can turn it around. I found it better to be alone with my kids than a doormat for a mean souled person. Once we were on our own, we were very happy, had good times doing simple things. You have talent, you know how to make a home and stretch a buck. I know you can do what you need to do.
    Listen to God, what does he say to you? Follow Him.

  6. Prayers said for you Lara and your children.

  7. Oh Sweet Lara - I hurt for you. There is little, if anything, that I can possibly add to the wise words of the women who have commented before me - and I've before posted my thoughts on your situation. I truly believe that you need to heal to be the best person you can be - for yourself, your children, and your grandchildren. That certainly doesn't seem like it is possible staying in any kind of relationship with this man - even a "make-do" one. It's apparent that your self-esteem is been eroded at every step. It will not be easy, but God didn't say life here would be easy and, frankly, I've mostly found it isn't. As for past mistakes - we all have them - some more obvious and blatant than others, some hidden - but we all have them. They can shape our futures - for the better or for the worse - it depends only on your choices going forward. I hold you tightly in prayer my friend....and pray, above all, you hold steadfast in your faith. It is your greatest weapon and your greatest strength right now. Hugs & Blessings ~ Robin

  8. Dear Lara,
    My heart is sad for the heartache that you are going through. One thing is for certain is that God is faithful, even when people are NOT. I'm so glad you have the blessing of your children and grandchildren!!! Love, hugs and prayers to you friend, Heather :)

  9. I think some couseling from an abused women's counslor could help (usually they are free) I have a very good friend who was almost killed by her husband, words or by the hand abuse is abuse. you need someone to talk to that can help you. so that you may help yourself,your children, and grandchildren. I will keep you in my prayers.
    wishing you peace and comfort

  10. I also think that you need counseling because your husband has already broken his vows, there's nothing really left with a man who speaks to you in this manner and you should not let your children be around this because they will end up resenting YOU for not removing yourself from the situation. Remember, there are some laws in place to protect you and your own assets, but you must want out bad enough to go through some changes. You need this change...staying there is like slowly killing your soul. Do something totally unexpected by the little jerk and go get help --- often, they will help get you set up in an apartment for six months. Anything to get away from that man. Just do it. Don't melt away. The more you leave, the more he will see that you are not going to be there at his beck and call. I sure hope you can find a way to get to a woman's shelter --- at least you won't have to bother with family --- let the shelter help you. God Bless You. We are all praying for you to find the strength to KNOW that you do not have to stay in can get up out of it! You can do it!