Knowing how painful it is to lose a child I know each day forward that the pain dose not go away. It has been 160 days since my son died and for me I know in my heart it will never end for me until my end. Life has away of forcing you on at a pace you can not accept. Let us all pray and continue to in the days to come. Blessings! Lara

May your memory always shine bright in each and everyone's life you touched. I LOVE you my son and will always be proud to be your Mom.

WORLDWIDE CANDLE LIGHTING

Thank You All

I would like to thank all of you for your kind words you have expressed. I have read each and every comment many times over. They mean a lot to me. Your prayers are greatly appreciated. The loss of my son has been the hardest thing I have ever been faced with. I have found much more compassion from all of you than so few people around me. Many of you may remember what I call my little prayer box. I keep it in the homestead kitchen. I placed the names of my family inside and prayed for them all. While reading your blogs and you sharing your lives I have placed little pieces of paper with your needs you have mentioned from time to time. I had made a list of all the blogs I follow and added it to the little prayer box. I opened it last week and read the names of all my children as I recount the prayers I haye prayed. As I took the little pieces of paper out I read the names of those of you who had mentioned needs over time. Just to mention a few. Wyatt-Tammy-Kathy & Madlelyn-Jill-Karen-Devon & Eloise. I returned them to the prayer box and wondered just how many have been answered. I continue to pray these days. There are so many questions and so much I don't understand. I pray in the days to come the answers will be given. BLESSINGS! Lara

My Son My Friend

I'm not myself, I'll never be me, Without you here, And me not there, The pain makes me tear, The fear makes me sear, No answers to WHY, As my time ticks by, Memories are dear, But I need you near, That dream I did see, Eats me to my core, Where I fall to the darkness, Consumed in all the bleakness, Never NO REST, Like a prisoner, I'm trapped in my mind, Your frozen in time, I'm not that strong, You gave me strength, I can't hold on, All of my days I'm left with a curse, No life for you to build, No lavender fields, It just can't be real. My son, My friend, The darkest deepest side of life begins, No way did I know your end was so near, The whistle sounds, Prayer began, No text your ok, Unanswered call, Voice mail full, Silence fell, Broken by the ring, Those cries echo, More praying, So long a ride there, Over the bridge flashing red lights, As I ran I was grabbed, Held back from you I was, Spoken words, He is dead, He is dead, He is dead, Skipping like an old record, My gravity did fall, Crushing my heart, Screaming rang out in the night air, No escape, Torture began, Agony and pain, Never so alone have I felt, Those words do repeat, You Always Come, I Knew You Would Come, Oh I did come my son, I pray you do know, My heart and soul holds our love, So much more I have to give, Oceans I do cry, Never to surface from under the waves, A season begins, Depression sets in, Never to end to my end.

No Answers

At day 85 still no answers to many of my questions. My son died a cruel vichious death. In asking questions the response from some has been what difference will it make the end result is "he is dead and nothing is going to change that". It matters to me. I raised and protected my son for almost 18 years. I have been told I may never know and have to accept it. This is something I can not do. My son and three others were in the car crash. The two survivors have to know how & why. Both have been released from hospitals. One says there is no memory 5 days before the crash and no memory after the crash for 30 days. No response from the other survivor. I called the hospitals that were given to the news by the coroner on the crash. Only to be told no patient by that name in our records. The mother of the deceased driver gave a statement to the police but I was told I could not see it and may never see it. The accident report is not complete and no information will be given before its done. I keep thinking it is all so far fetched like a horror movie that it can not really be true. I will wake up and it will all be a nightmare. The funeral seems like a vivid memory and not real. My son could not have died. He could not have died that violently. Some days are worse than others. I try and stay busy schooling my youngest. But when end of lessons comes for the day my mind goes over and over the accident scene and other things. At times I let myself believe my son is at school work or at a friends house. I watch the clock knowing the time he should get off the bus the time he should get off work the time he should be home and the time of the crash. I feel like I am losing my mind. Others around me seem to have put it behind them and moved on. I can not leave him behind and move on. I have been told I have my memories. I want my memories and my son both. I have so much more love to give him. There are so many more things for him to do. He had dreams and plans for his future. I feel so lost. We were so close. He is my talker. For simple reasons he would just text or call me to say mom guess what or mom you wont believe whats going on. I would cup his face in my hand and squeeze his cheeks and tell him I love him. Sitting on the swing we would talk as we swung. I would pat his leg while telling him I loved him. Much firewood was cut and stacked from clearing the woods for a garden. He was the fire builder. We sat in the gazebo talking and watching the fire. But not this summer. He worked so hard to build my gardens and put in the fish pond. I keep praying him back to life. At that grave I pray watch and wait for the earth to open up. Gods word is the same yesterday today and forever. I pray believing in Jesus name my son will raise up from the dead completely whole restored living and breathing. Jesus raised Lazarus. Please turn back the hands of time God and make this never have happened. Near two weeks before the crash my son was riding with a friend who ran off the road and hit a tree. I went to get him. When I got there he said I knew you would come you always do. He has always known he can count on me. I feel he is calling me now. His words ring in my mind "I knew you would come you always do." He was so up beat and happy during our last conversation. He called me from work. He noticed a missed call from mom. He called. I answered. "whats up whatdid you need"? were his words. We talked. I told him to drive slow be careful. He answered ya Im going to slow down Im changing. I told him I love you. He said I love you to. I thought he was coming right home after work. Four hours later the fire whistle blew. I sent my usual text U ok just as I always do when I here the fire whistle blow. No text back. I called his cell number. Went to voice mail. Minutes later the house phone rang. My daughter his sister screaming saying something happened to him. No one would tell her anything other than that there still moving. She had already seen two loaded into helicopters but not her brother or boyfriend. Those unreal words yes he is dead I heard when we arrived at the crash site. We were made to leave. My daughter and I in an ambulance in route to the hospital. My husband driven home by a fire personel to our youngest. My daughter had discovered her car was gone and went looking for her brother boyfriend & friends after receiving a text there was an accident close.

It Has To Be A Bad Dream

It has to be a bad dream. I just can't believe it really happened. I can't move forward. I can't leave him behind. Every thing has to stay the same so he knows I did not leave him behind. It all has to be the same when he comes back. I expect him to come back. I keep telling God I can't do this & I don't want to do it. I beg God to turn back the hands of time & bring my precious child home to me. Please give him back. The minutes turn to hours the hours turn to days with no end in sight only just to get to the next day & get it over with. My life is nothing but torture. No one really understands my pain. Others around me seem to be moving on. It's been 42 days. Never have I been seperated from you this long. I need to see his face & hear his voice. See his beautiful smile & hear his laugh. I need to touch him & talk with him. He is my talker. He always knows how to make me feel better. Those special words I love you I long to hear. I keep hearing him & I say I love you to each other before we hung up the phones. Four hours later no text & no answer. Silence............. I see his face from the day before & hear the words he spoke to me. Not left to see him again until 5 days later. I asked but was told you don't want to see him like that. Next time I asked I was told the lighting's not good he's not ready. Believing God would breath his breath back into him as he did Adam & fill his veins with the precious blood of Jesus God would raise my boy up. About three hours before the first service my precious child lay still & lifeless. Cold & hard to my touch. I lay my head on his chest to hear no heartbeat. This can't be true. In the clothes I picked & prepared for him. Special clothes he loved given to him by me for Christmas. He begged at the time to be given them before Christmas. I made him wait. I had to make sure everything was just right before leaving to go pick his sister up from the hospital before the service would begin. Never did I expect what I would find when I lifted the casket blanket. My heart sank in shock & disbelief. Laying the casket blanket back down as quick as I could so his baby brother would not know. His fathers face I looked into. He tryed to protct me. So very little time I got to be with him before he took his ride in his truck with his rebel flag waving behind the next day. His truck he loves. Like his mother it takes little to make him happy. It has to be a dream. It can't be true. Only seventeen. This week you are were eithteen. No cake No icecream No gift. We always go out to eat together. You me. Your sister & brother. Ballons on a grave. One with a note to you sent into the sky by us. I can't accept this. You have to come back. I call you. I text you. I message you. I talk to you. I beg God each day to show me where you are. I pray as your mother I did not fail you for all eternity. I saw this in my dreams in the weeks before. I told you my fears. I spoke to you of God & eternity. I prayed & trusted God with all my heart & soul each day through out the the day I would never see the death of any of my children or grandchildren in my lifetime. Nor they. I told God this. I prayed all souls would be saved before leaving this world. I don't understand or really believe. I seek answers. Your sisters screams the red flashing lights your fathers voice asking who told you that? The second the cop answered my question. Is he dead with the answer yes my heart shattered & my life ended as I knew it. I am no longer me & never will be me again. I LOVE YOU MY PRECIOUS SON. I NEED YOU MY PRECIOUS SON.

Forever Seventeen - Afterglow

AFTERGLOW I'd like the memory of me To be a happy one. I'd like To leave an Afterglow of Smiles when day is done. I'd like to leave an echo... Wispering softly down the Ways of happy times and bright Laughing times and bright And sunny days. I'd like the tears of those who Grieve to dry before the Sun of happy memories That I leave behind when Day is done. I can not & will not say goodbye to you my precious son So as you always say I shall say "Peace Out Man" Forever My Love Is With You 1994 - 2012

Puppy Love

Topaz is one very loved puppy. She is growing & doing well. Topaz was playing with the cats mouse toy. The toy mouse makes noise. Topaz all but ate the toy mouse. I had a time removing it from her jaws. She no longer gets to play with the mouse toy. When Lucas comes home she runs to the door to meet him. Cuddle time with Sam. Sam & his dog Chicho have cuddle time to & watch T.V. together. The Grands visited & played with her. She liked being rocked in the cradle. Laken got her own puppy & comes to visit every day before & after work. Welcome Athena! So you see there is plenty of puppy love here at the homestead these days. More ducks have hatched & kittens were born. For the love of creatures. The gardens are growing. Never enough blooms for me. I am still adding to the plantings. Atlee gave me a butterfly bush gazinas & bee balm for Mothers day. Blessings Til next Time! Lara

"How Dose Your Garden Grow "Giveaway Thanks!

Tuesday 4/24 I joined in with many of you to share how our gardens grow. I was honored to be the winner of that Tuesdays display chain. I received the wonderful gifts & love them all. My stoveboard got a fresh new look for spring when I added the sweet strawberries & the canned goods have a sweet crow to watch over them. I have joined in the fun of some other Tuesday display chains from time to time & also enjoyed all the posts many bloggers have created with the themes of all the Tuesday display chains. I would like to thank Misi of http://1890gablehousemusings.blogspot.com & Traci of http://yorkmountainprimitives.blogspot.com. A great big THANKS to you both! These two bloggers are very talented so be sure & visit them both & you will find you will just have to become a follower of both.

Topaz at five weeks old. She is a happy healthy pup & growing as she keeps me very busy. I am enjoying every minute of caring for her. She is by my side as I work in the gardens these days. I do the weeding while she sleeps on her blanket in the grass beside me. She is learning fast to not climb over the rocks into the gardens. She is amazed with the fish pond & follows the sound of water splasing from the fountain. Another spot she is learning is a no no for her. Never to early I figure to teach her where she is not allowed.

Laken has brought Bella to visit her sister Topaz some evenings after work. They play happily with each other in the front field of the homestead.

So glad you stopped in for our chat tonight. Wishing you all much happiness. Blessings Til Next Time! Lara

She Captured My Heart

This little one was born into a litter of seven on April 2, 2012. Laken sent me a text message telling me Lady was having her pups. A few days later I visited the litter after taking Laken home after she got off work. This little one stood out from all the rest. The other six were all black & white. I visited the litter a few more times when taking laken home after work & each time I loved this little one. I even named her thow she was not mine. At less that four weeks old mother dog Lady would no longer care for her litter. Laken brought this little one to the homestead so I could visit her on May 2,2012. Oh how this little one captured my heart. I never took her back. She is now the newest creature to live at the homestead. Welcome my little Topaz.

Thow Topaz is very little she can roam the homestead quite well with me close by her side. I am amazed how well she is doing with house training. Never thought it could be done this young. Yes she still has her accidents in her little cage some nights.

Never thought I would be making bottles & getting up for late night feedings at this point in my life. I always wanted to bottle feed a lamb. Oh I am very happy to bottle feed little Topaz. She is doing well.

Not long after feedings & going outside for tinkle tinker time Topaz is napping.

All tucked snug & warm in a basket Topaz sleeps. I wait to hear her wimper & see her beautiful topaz eyes open & we start all over. She makes me so happy & I love her. Oh I am so thankful for her. Blessings Til Next Time! Lara

Hatching & Garden Progress

The hatching has began here at the homestead this week. To date five ducklings have hatched. Watching these small creatures hatch is amazing.

These are the first four ducklings huddling together in the corner keeping warm. I got to be there to see the fifth duckling hatch.

The peach trees have been planted in the garden expansion. They are dwarf patio peach trees. Half grown & loaded with peaches. The layout for the rockbeds have been started. We are still getting frost in our area. The last frost for our area is May 15 so I am in a race against time to get all the beds ready for planting.

I am using tin roofing as a bottom for my rockbeds that I have put holes in for drainage on top of the forest floor to keep any tree roots from growing in the rockbeds. After surrounding the tin with rocks I am adding shavings with poo from the chicken coop & bunny hutch with a layer of lawn clippings then a thick layer of top soil on top.

I think I am satisfied with the design thus far. There is still a large area that I want to put four rockbeds in when I can find more tin roofing. I am now at a stand still until I get the rocks. Looking at the garden expansion from the lower garden beds inside the yard I look & put the details in my garden journal with what I plan to plant in each rockbed. At the end of the day I see my dream of a veggie garden coming true. Feeling tired but thankful & happy.

I have decided to not move the chicken coop. It will be left where it is & the enclosure will be smaller than I planned. The chicken run to the right will be getting some wheels to move the chickens around the fields to munch grass & scratch in the sun.

Thanks for stopping in at the homestead. It has been nice chatting with you. Blessings Til Next Time! Lara

Tuesday Display Chain "Mary Mary How Dose Your Garden grow?"

This Tuesday Display Chain I must say grabs my heart. Gardening is near & dear to my heart at this time of year. The ideas come faster than I can make them happen. How dose my garden grow? Well I invite you on this stroll of my 16 year journey to see for yourself. The garden sleeps in the cold under blankets of white magic that falls from the heavens above.

As God shines his bright yellow sunshine down the rays warm the soil & the white magic melts away & the life begins to be reborn in the gardens as my heart stirs with my garden passion & I itch to get the warm soil in my hands once again. Flats are planted with seeds & kept in the mini greenhouse tended with love. The clean up begins in the rock beds & the pond is drained cleaned & refilled with fresh well water for the golden glins that swim under the water fountain.

Expanding the gardens continues with each passing year. Trips to the mountain for rocks to build more beds. This years beds will mainly be for veggies & herbs. The lower field is being planted with fruit trees. Four apple trees have been planted & some peach await. With high hopes & prayers of planting pear plum & cherry trees in the what will be the homestead orchard.

Most plants I have planted come up each year so while adding more I can see the show begin in all its glory. What beauty God has given us is amazing.

There oh so many more I could show you but I will wait for this years blooms to open & share with you on your return visits to the homestead gardens for another stroll. By then I hope to have all the creature houses moved & we can stop by to visit them as we stroll among the garden expansion. Thank you Misi for hosting the Tuesday Display Chains. I have enjoyed joining in from time to time & seeing all the wonderful chain posts by other amazing bloggers. htp://1890gablehousemusings.blogspot.com visit to see more. Blessings Til Next Time! Lara