WORLDWIDE CANDLE LIGHTING

Thank You All

I would like to thank all of you for your kind words you have expressed. I have read each and every comment many times over. They mean a lot to me. Your prayers are greatly appreciated. The loss of my son has been the hardest thing I have ever been faced with. I have found much more compassion from all of you than so few people around me. Many of you may remember what I call my little prayer box. I keep it in the homestead kitchen. I placed the names of my family inside and prayed for them all. While reading your blogs and you sharing your lives I have placed little pieces of paper with your needs you have mentioned from time to time. I had made a list of all the blogs I follow and added it to the little prayer box. I opened it last week and read the names of all my children as I recount the prayers I haye prayed. As I took the little pieces of paper out I read the names of those of you who had mentioned needs over time. Just to mention a few. Wyatt-Tammy-Kathy & Madlelyn-Jill-Karen-Devon & Eloise. I returned them to the prayer box and wondered just how many have been answered. I continue to pray these days. There are so many questions and so much I don't understand. I pray in the days to come the answers will be given. BLESSINGS! Lara

My Son My Friend

I'm not myself, I'll never be me, Without you here, And me not there, The pain makes me tear, The fear makes me sear, No answers to WHY, As my time ticks by, Memories are dear, But I need you near, That dream I did see, Eats me to my core, Where I fall to the darkness, Consumed in all the bleakness, Never NO REST, Like a prisoner, I'm trapped in my mind, Your frozen in time, I'm not that strong, You gave me strength, I can't hold on, All of my days I'm left with a curse, No life for you to build, No lavender fields, It just can't be real. My son, My friend, The darkest deepest side of life begins, No way did I know your end was so near, The whistle sounds, Prayer began, No text your ok, Unanswered call, Voice mail full, Silence fell, Broken by the ring, Those cries echo, More praying, So long a ride there, Over the bridge flashing red lights, As I ran I was grabbed, Held back from you I was, Spoken words, He is dead, He is dead, He is dead, Skipping like an old record, My gravity did fall, Crushing my heart, Screaming rang out in the night air, No escape, Torture began, Agony and pain, Never so alone have I felt, Those words do repeat, You Always Come, I Knew You Would Come, Oh I did come my son, I pray you do know, My heart and soul holds our love, So much more I have to give, Oceans I do cry, Never to surface from under the waves, A season begins, Depression sets in, Never to end to my end.

No Answers

At day 85 still no answers to many of my questions. My son died a cruel vichious death. In asking questions the response from some has been what difference will it make the end result is "he is dead and nothing is going to change that". It matters to me. I raised and protected my son for almost 18 years. I have been told I may never know and have to accept it. This is something I can not do. My son and three others were in the car crash. The two survivors have to know how & why. Both have been released from hospitals. One says there is no memory 5 days before the crash and no memory after the crash for 30 days. No response from the other survivor. I called the hospitals that were given to the news by the coroner on the crash. Only to be told no patient by that name in our records. The mother of the deceased driver gave a statement to the police but I was told I could not see it and may never see it. The accident report is not complete and no information will be given before its done. I keep thinking it is all so far fetched like a horror movie that it can not really be true. I will wake up and it will all be a nightmare. The funeral seems like a vivid memory and not real. My son could not have died. He could not have died that violently. Some days are worse than others. I try and stay busy schooling my youngest. But when end of lessons comes for the day my mind goes over and over the accident scene and other things. At times I let myself believe my son is at school work or at a friends house. I watch the clock knowing the time he should get off the bus the time he should get off work the time he should be home and the time of the crash. I feel like I am losing my mind. Others around me seem to have put it behind them and moved on. I can not leave him behind and move on. I have been told I have my memories. I want my memories and my son both. I have so much more love to give him. There are so many more things for him to do. He had dreams and plans for his future. I feel so lost. We were so close. He is my talker. For simple reasons he would just text or call me to say mom guess what or mom you wont believe whats going on. I would cup his face in my hand and squeeze his cheeks and tell him I love him. Sitting on the swing we would talk as we swung. I would pat his leg while telling him I loved him. Much firewood was cut and stacked from clearing the woods for a garden. He was the fire builder. We sat in the gazebo talking and watching the fire. But not this summer. He worked so hard to build my gardens and put in the fish pond. I keep praying him back to life. At that grave I pray watch and wait for the earth to open up. Gods word is the same yesterday today and forever. I pray believing in Jesus name my son will raise up from the dead completely whole restored living and breathing. Jesus raised Lazarus. Please turn back the hands of time God and make this never have happened. Near two weeks before the crash my son was riding with a friend who ran off the road and hit a tree. I went to get him. When I got there he said I knew you would come you always do. He has always known he can count on me. I feel he is calling me now. His words ring in my mind "I knew you would come you always do." He was so up beat and happy during our last conversation. He called me from work. He noticed a missed call from mom. He called. I answered. "whats up whatdid you need"? were his words. We talked. I told him to drive slow be careful. He answered ya Im going to slow down Im changing. I told him I love you. He said I love you to. I thought he was coming right home after work. Four hours later the fire whistle blew. I sent my usual text U ok just as I always do when I here the fire whistle blow. No text back. I called his cell number. Went to voice mail. Minutes later the house phone rang. My daughter his sister screaming saying something happened to him. No one would tell her anything other than that there still moving. She had already seen two loaded into helicopters but not her brother or boyfriend. Those unreal words yes he is dead I heard when we arrived at the crash site. We were made to leave. My daughter and I in an ambulance in route to the hospital. My husband driven home by a fire personel to our youngest. My daughter had discovered her car was gone and went looking for her brother boyfriend & friends after receiving a text there was an accident close.

It Has To Be A Bad Dream

It has to be a bad dream. I just can't believe it really happened. I can't move forward. I can't leave him behind. Every thing has to stay the same so he knows I did not leave him behind. It all has to be the same when he comes back. I expect him to come back. I keep telling God I can't do this & I don't want to do it. I beg God to turn back the hands of time & bring my precious child home to me. Please give him back. The minutes turn to hours the hours turn to days with no end in sight only just to get to the next day & get it over with. My life is nothing but torture. No one really understands my pain. Others around me seem to be moving on. It's been 42 days. Never have I been seperated from you this long. I need to see his face & hear his voice. See his beautiful smile & hear his laugh. I need to touch him & talk with him. He is my talker. He always knows how to make me feel better. Those special words I love you I long to hear. I keep hearing him & I say I love you to each other before we hung up the phones. Four hours later no text & no answer. Silence............. I see his face from the day before & hear the words he spoke to me. Not left to see him again until 5 days later. I asked but was told you don't want to see him like that. Next time I asked I was told the lighting's not good he's not ready. Believing God would breath his breath back into him as he did Adam & fill his veins with the precious blood of Jesus God would raise my boy up. About three hours before the first service my precious child lay still & lifeless. Cold & hard to my touch. I lay my head on his chest to hear no heartbeat. This can't be true. In the clothes I picked & prepared for him. Special clothes he loved given to him by me for Christmas. He begged at the time to be given them before Christmas. I made him wait. I had to make sure everything was just right before leaving to go pick his sister up from the hospital before the service would begin. Never did I expect what I would find when I lifted the casket blanket. My heart sank in shock & disbelief. Laying the casket blanket back down as quick as I could so his baby brother would not know. His fathers face I looked into. He tryed to protct me. So very little time I got to be with him before he took his ride in his truck with his rebel flag waving behind the next day. His truck he loves. Like his mother it takes little to make him happy. It has to be a dream. It can't be true. Only seventeen. This week you are were eithteen. No cake No icecream No gift. We always go out to eat together. You me. Your sister & brother. Ballons on a grave. One with a note to you sent into the sky by us. I can't accept this. You have to come back. I call you. I text you. I message you. I talk to you. I beg God each day to show me where you are. I pray as your mother I did not fail you for all eternity. I saw this in my dreams in the weeks before. I told you my fears. I spoke to you of God & eternity. I prayed & trusted God with all my heart & soul each day through out the the day I would never see the death of any of my children or grandchildren in my lifetime. Nor they. I told God this. I prayed all souls would be saved before leaving this world. I don't understand or really believe. I seek answers. Your sisters screams the red flashing lights your fathers voice asking who told you that? The second the cop answered my question. Is he dead with the answer yes my heart shattered & my life ended as I knew it. I am no longer me & never will be me again. I LOVE YOU MY PRECIOUS SON. I NEED YOU MY PRECIOUS SON.

Forever Seventeen - Afterglow

AFTERGLOW I'd like the memory of me To be a happy one. I'd like To leave an Afterglow of Smiles when day is done. I'd like to leave an echo... Wispering softly down the Ways of happy times and bright Laughing times and bright And sunny days. I'd like the tears of those who Grieve to dry before the Sun of happy memories That I leave behind when Day is done. I can not & will not say goodbye to you my precious son So as you always say I shall say "Peace Out Man" Forever My Love Is With You 1994 - 2012

Puppy Love

Topaz is one very loved puppy. She is growing & doing well. Topaz was playing with the cats mouse toy. The toy mouse makes noise. Topaz all but ate the toy mouse. I had a time removing it from her jaws. She no longer gets to play with the mouse toy. When Lucas comes home she runs to the door to meet him. Cuddle time with Sam. Sam & his dog Chicho have cuddle time to & watch T.V. together. The Grands visited & played with her. She liked being rocked in the cradle. Laken got her own puppy & comes to visit every day before & after work. Welcome Athena! So you see there is plenty of puppy love here at the homestead these days. More ducks have hatched & kittens were born. For the love of creatures. The gardens are growing. Never enough blooms for me. I am still adding to the plantings. Atlee gave me a butterfly bush gazinas & bee balm for Mothers day. Blessings Til next Time! Lara