Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Table Top Butcher Block & Chopper

This is the table top butcher block & chopper I told you about making a deal with the shop keeper where my creations are being sold. We talked about the pieces a bit & he asked if I was interested. He made an offer to reduced the price by 50% & we traded some money owed from my creations. I could not pass on his kind offer.

I put it on my stove board when I got home Saturday night. This was the bright spot in my weekend.

Back around April or May I started walking. My husbands employer had a company walking thing to encourage walking for better health. They gave him a step counter to keep track of daily steps to turn in. Of course they offered gifts each week to the employee with the highest number of steps. I have wanted to walk since last summer. I did start last summer but had a bad experience with a driver in a car. I gave up walking. So I was tickled we were going to walk. It was fun in the first weeks. Later it turned into insults to me before we made it to the end of the homestead lane. It went to my husband leaving before I had my shoes on with me rushing to catch up. Him refusing to give me a piece of gum to him telling me to walk behind him then next him crossing to the opposite side of the road telling me he did not want to walk on the same side. He said it was sissified to walk with your wife & complained about the kids. Last Friday was our last walk together. This all started out so fun. We talked & walked as I took photos. He told me I only wanted to walk with him to make people think we had a good marriage & loved each other but they knew better. He left me know he would no longer walk with me. He has gone out the door each morning this week letting me behind. I decided I would walk by myself each evening. I have lost weight since walking. He should be happy after all he told me I was a fat old ugly hog weeks ago. My walks have been lonely but I am not being devoured by his hatred. The text messages with hateful words started before my walk was over.

We have not been to church for weeks. Since the pastor retired & others have came to speak to be voted on as the new pastor. The pastor we both voted for withdrew. I thought we would still go to church but my husband said there was no where to go. Since he did not get the pastor he voted for like a child he picked up his toys & went home so to speak. If you cant have your own way then just stop going to church is his attitude in my opinion. I felt if we were no longer going to go there we should look for another church not just stop going all together. He wanted Lucas to give up his job of keeping the church grounds mowed because he said he did not want to be obligated to continue going to church there. This is the second summer Lucas had done this job. I refused to make Lucas give up the job. My husband told me to make sure we left him out of it. We have. That preacher may be just the one to lead Lucas's soul to Christ. I explained the church did not require Lucas to go to church there to keep the job. He had stopped going to church months ago. The church would just hire a landscaping service that may not even go to church either. Lucas is still mowing for the church. The preacher has invited Lucas in the house & spoken to him.

Church has been a battle for a long time. My husband off & on announces he dose not want me in the church with him or beside him. He wants to go by himself but then he takes us saying he is only doing it for Sam. Says he cant be a Christian with me there & when God removes me from his life he can be. I get the blame for his not being right with God. I honestly think he has a demon in him.

Tonight I decided it was time I went back to church & found one to attend again. I took Sam & we went. The message could have been no more on target with my life right now. The people were nice & welcomed Sam & I. We were invited back again. I did not share any of my problems with them. It was nice to sit & listen to the message with out my husband huffing & mumbling under his breath complain about the service or people & not finding anything good to say about the service on the way home. It was nice to speak with people after the service & not be insulted or called names or judged. I want to go back. I took Sam for ice cream before going home. While eating our ice cream the text messages started from my husband again. I text him telling him it was his loss not mine & I am done being devoured by his hatered. I have decided he will have to lay his sins at the Fathers feet & only he can do that. He can only change if he wants to. But will not take me to hell with him. He has admitted to trying to make me so miserable I will just leave & others will think I left him & fill sorry for him since he did not have a christian wife. He went so far as to suggest a single man that he says has money & has a big farm with sheep. Telling me I would like that since I like sheep. I know it is wrong but part of me wishes he would suffer twice as much hurt as he has given me. I know what the saying There Is A Fine Line Between Love & Hate means.

On the way to pick Lucas up from work tonight I heard a song saying I am not strong enough to be everything that I am supposed to be - I give up. That is me & I need God to make me strong enough. For now we are still in the same house but he has his own bathroom he kicked me out of months ago & now has our bedroom to his self from the time he gets home from work til he leaves for work. He walks alone. He will not eat with us. He left 1 hour & a 1/2 early for work today saying he was going to get something to eat for supper tonight at work. An hour & a half early I asked. He said he was hungry & there was nothing to eat here at the house so he was going out to eat before work. I asked why he could not take his family out to eat to. His answer was he only had enough money for his self. The kids were all home by then. I cooked us a meal after he left. I know what I want but I know it is not going to happen. I have decided to stay here for now. I am sure it will not be long before the bank forecloses on the house loan. I heard him on the phone today trying to borrow against his life insurance again. I am sure he will keep his precious car & dog. I think he is the only person who could be happy & survive in hell. God help him because I can't. It would hurt to leave the homestead & all my gardens behind but I can not help but think he deserves to loss his house & property for how he has treated the kids & I. His pre nump allows nothing for the kids & I. Only our clothes & my furnishings. No cash or support for me. Just child support for the boys. That & my little income will not be enough to rent a place & pay our expenses. Yes I was stupid years ago to sign it. I honestly believed he would find I was not like his X wife & would later dissolve it. I was wrong. take my advise & never sign one. As my daughter said I should have known something was wrong back then. I trusted believed & loved for nothing.

Blessings Til Next Time!


  1. ... as I read your blog, my heart went out to you and prayers went up too.

  2. Praying for you all. No one deserves to live in a situation like this.

  3. This is so sad. No person should be treated so bad!

  4. Lara
    sending prayers to help guide you through this difficult time~

  5. Lara,
    prayers being said for you and your family. If you would like to move to NC and start over, email me. No one deseves to be treated that way.

  6. The table top butcher block & chopper looks good in your display.

    I hope you find comfort and support in your new church. If it's your heart's desire to go, then you go! I went for years to church without my husband. He said that was not his thing, it was mine. Four years later we go together to a church and our kids love it too. (He goes because he wants to, I didn't force him or talk him into going, I left it all to God.) Whatever is going on in life and at home, God has a bigger plan. If we can't praise Him through our hard times, we have no business praising Him through our good times.

    I do hope it is your husband that leaves and not you and the kids. It's hard to understand how a man can be so selfish and awful to his family, and claim to be a Christian at the same time. Do not give him money. Do not let him torment you. Something is wrong with *him*, not you. If there's anything to show proof of abuse, I'd keep it. Abuse is not just beating the crap out of your spouse, the other type is emotional and verbal. Neither of which anyone deserves.

    Still praying for you Lara. :)

    Blessings, Jessica

  7. Oh dear Lara - I can almost touch your pain. I wish someone could just give you an answer, but no one can - it will have to come from inside you...and with prayer for guidance, it will, eventually, come. Just remember that God does not lead us "to" something that he will not also see us "through." Stay true to yourself and keep your faith. Just because he does not want to walk with you doesn't mean you shouldn't walk - it is good for you body and your mind...and probably a heck of a lot more enjoyable alone if he treats you as you say he does. And because he is finding excuses not to go to church doesn't mean you need to stay away. On the contrary - you need that support line more now than ever. As for living arrangements, etc. - there is assistance out there....Just some thoughts that came to mind: I think you mentioned not being able to work due to a disability? - have you checked into social security? There are also low income housing facilities, food stamp assistance programs, and other services available through your local (usually county) dept. of social services (or whatever they call it in your parts....), etc. Yes, it all will, undoubtedly, mean change, but, truly, people do it all the time. Nothing can force a woman to stay in an abusive (whether physical or mental) or destructive relationship...You will, tho, need to help yourself along the way...You first need to determine whether the relationship can be saved/healed...if you've found that answer, you need to move on to the next step. Sorry for the ramblings....just know that many thoughts and prayers are with you. Robin

  8. Lara, I am just so sorry for you honey. It breaks my heart, I don't understand how someone can be that way~ you are right, you cannot change him, only yourself. His heart is not in the right place, and God will not honor that. He is not being a Christian if he can roll stuff like this out so easily.
    No one deserves to be treated that way, believe me, he IS living in misery, he is despising himself really, and he is taking it out on all the wrong people!
    I would say keep in prayer, keep going to church, and here's another thing to ponder. Take a handkerchief, anoint it in olive oil and cut it into pieces. Tell no one~ just do it, and pray in Jesus name, rebuke that spirit, it IS demonic to flee your home, hide the pieces of hankie throughout your home. I will be praying for you Lara, the Lord is merciful, but with that being said, he will never force himself upon anyone, your husband had better be very careful about what he speaks! Yes, God IS love, but he is also JUST. If you ever need to talk~ feel free to contact me anytime, I may not get back to you straight away, but I will as soon as I can.
    Hugs to you Lara!