Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Words That Cut

In the weeks since Lakens accident I find it hard to stomach the words that cut from some & the silence of words from some. Spouse family & neighbors. It amazes me how others whom I have never met other than here at the blogs I follow & that follow my blog can have so much compassion. I am grateful for for you all.

Just a few days after Lakens accident while setting in the gazebo after a walk I poured out my heart & soul to my spouse. Lakens piercing screams still ring out in my mind with the image of the wreaked jeep. I checked all four tires before she left that day. Seeing the tire off the rim when going to the garage to get Lakens things out of the jeep after leaving the hospital that day continued to eat at me. I questioned over & over. Had the tire blew out & caused the accident? My spouse said maybe it happened this way at this time because God was keeping something worse from happening later. The tire had needed some air off & on. Laken remembered hearing a noise right before the accident. I was worried maybe something had happened to the axle. My spouse said he had explained to the man who did the inspection a few weeks before the accident that two kids would be driving the jeep & he wanted it gone over really good to make sure it was safe. He assured me the man would have done just that. Set my mind a rest on that. The Friday we went to the garage to settle up for the jeep being removed from the accident scene I had to ask if the tire was off when he arrived at the accident. My spouse explained I feared that the tire had blown out. The garage owner said the tire was on when he arrived to remove the jeep but due to he had no way to flip the jeep over & had to pull it on & haul it on its roof he had caused the tire to come off. He assured me the tire had not blown out & he gets many calls all year long for the accident location. He said he did not understand why nothing has ever been done to improve that area of the road with so many accidents there. This did set my mind to rest on that fear. He asked how Laken was doing & said she was really lucky.

This past weekend Laken asked me to have my spouse look at a car she was interested in. When I asked him to pull into the car lot as we approached the entrance. He pulled in & said he was not getting out & looking & he was not talking to no salesman. He told me I could not get her killed off fast enough & told me her accident was my fault & she would have another one & get killed & that I had put her in an unsafe vehicle. Words that cut. The vehicle he took to the garage to get inspected. The vehicle the week before her accident he wanted me to take the keys away from her so he could drive it back & forth to work after the family van broke down & he did not want to drive his mustang back & forth to work.

In this short week one of Lucas's friends made it known that he was interested in Laken. Six days after her accident & five days after the tex message from her boyfriend that he was breaking up with her & did not bother to come to the hospital she went with the boy when his father & he picked her up. I thought she was coming home in a few hours. After twelve hours of tracking her down & looking for her & hearing all the horrible scenarios of what could be happening to her at the hands of this boy & his father from my spouse along with no tex messages or cell phone calls being returned from Laken or the boy. Not to mention the boys Grandfather telling me he had not seen them since the night before & when I asked where dose your grandson live he answered me well I guess he just lives where ever he hangs out from place to place. I asked where the boys father lived & if he had a phone. I was told he lived in an old farmhouse back off the road & he had no house phone & he guessed he had a cell phone but didnt know the number. This is his own son. I called another cell number I found on a piece of paper Lucas had. It was the boys mother. She explained he did not live with her & she lived in another town. She said she had not heard from him but would try to get a hold of him & I could give her a call back. In a twelve hour span I called her two more times only to find she was letting my calls go to voicemail. In between all those hours she had been to the grandfathers looking for her son I was told by the grandfather. How nice of her to not answer my calls. I wonder what kind of mother she is? After texting & calling kids who have been to our home finally one kid calls me back & gives me directions to the boys dads house. I went there. He was still in bed in the middle of the afternoon. Two teens smoking on his doorstep one went to get him. He tells me he has not seen the kids since he dropped them off at his fathers farm the night before & they & other kids were going to set up tents & build fire to camp out. He can not get a hold of him & tells me his sons phone is dead. I told him Laken left with a fully charged phone & that the boys mother was looking for him to. At that time I thought she was. He told me that was news to him & told me he had problems with one of his other sons in the past. He never knew where he was or what he was doing. Great I am thinking. He told me to give him some time to round his son up. I went to the grandfathers farm next. The grandmother was on the porch with the grandfather. I asked if the kids were there. The grandmother told me they were in a trailer up on the hill. I asked if I could go up to the trailer to get Laken as I explained why I was there & what all had took place in the past twelve hours. She told me she had come home late the night before from bingo. She said she knew what it was like to not know where a kid was & worry because she has another grandson who in the past they never knew where he was or what he was doing. Same story I just heard from the father her son. The grandfather made the comment I had a daughter & she did not act like this she was good & all that was wrong with my daughter was I did not take care of her. Words that cut. The grandmother told him not to be saying that & go back inside. By this time I was done. For hours I had kissed butt & was niece nice to everyone to get answers. I was crying & said I take care of my kids & I have left many kids in the past few weeks come to my home & even stay & fed them because I felt sorry for them including your grandson. (At this point I am wondering why. And sorry I did. I was hoping that they would see something to help them. So much for being the salt of the world & hoping they would see the love of Christ for them in me. Reach out & touch a life & lead a soul). The grandmother got defencive then. My spouse got out of the truck for the first time in all the search & told me to shut my mouth up. Words that cut. In the mean time the boys father came in a back way to the grandfathers farm & told the kids at the trailer. The boy & Laken came down through a field in the grandfathers truck. How could the grandfather not know his truck was gone? The grandmother started yelling at Laken. Why didnt you call your mother. She said she knew what that was like because of her other grandson. You should not worry her then started to yell at her grandson. Why didnt you call & your on my property. Laken was not a happy camper & was mad at me. I was told she was an adult & kids asked why I was looking for her when she was 20 & an adult. Words that cut. I explained you may be 20 & an adult but you live with me. I support you & you do not act like an adult & it is crazy to leave with a boy & not come home & not know the people whos trailer you were staying in. Up until this day I have never seen any of these people except the boy who visited our home once. Words that cut from people who I do not know nor know me.

No visits at the hospital or phone calls to our home from either of my sisters or nieces or nephews. The silence of words that cut. In the years I rushed to the hospital after one nephew rolled his car on the mountain the other nephew rolled a tractor down over a bank into a creek. I was there for my one sister after her baby was born dead. I cleaned her house before she came home from the hospital & took pizza to her home after she arrived home. After I went to our Pap & asked for one of the burial plots beside of Gram for her to bury her baby after she asked me to talk to Pap. I did all this out of love for them & their kids. Where were they? Why could they not put aside their grudge for me they have had since Pap passed away? A grudge over money property & me talking to our mother. This was my daughter their niece.

I asked my spouse to help with Lucas's transportation to & from his job on the weekends. He dose not work Friday thru Sunday. Well I was told the kids are my responsibility & he gave them over to me years ago. Words that cut. Lucas is his own flesh & blood. He said he was not a father to his first son & asked why I would expect him to be a father to these kids & told me I should have thought about this years ago before I had these kids all in one breath. Words that cut. I am married but living the life of a single mother raising these kids alone. Not to mention him telling me he did not want to be a husband & told me to get out of his house along with many more hurtful words that cut. My spouse has been holding a grudge since Lucas broke a door knob of an empty cabin & entered it & was charged. My spouse wants to send him away to a boot camp or half way house. He has been holding a grudge against Laken since she was was a senior. She did not go on to college & has had wasted her life on worthless boyfriends. She has had three boyfriends. He wants me to send her to live with my mother or put her in the air force. The air force was his dream that never happened. He can not accept that you can not live your dreams through your kids. I do not think the answer is to send my kids away. Home is where you are loved & accepted. In a few years I am sure Sam will say or do something he will not accept & want to send him away to.

All I can say is words that cut. How many can one say to another? How many can I take & turn the cheek? What ever happened to if you cant say anything good then bridle the evil tongue.

Do I fill like a door mat for all to leave their words that cut & words not said that cut. YES I DO. I can understand that kids say words that cut. There never happy when being told what not to do. Kids rebel. There young & have little life experience of wisdom. I have been a mother for 30 years & know it all comes with raising kids but I expect more from adults who are parents or grandparents themselves. I expect more from my spouse. What happened to a husband - father leading his home? When is there ever an option to just decide one no longer wants to be a husband or a father I am sure it is not when one decides they want to go to Africa & minister to the lost because they are sick of being tied down to a wife kids & bills. If they can not show Christs love to their own family then how will they do it miles away? I believe is starts in your own household. But I have been told not.

I am not filling like my usual self lately. But I planned a small birthday party for my granddaughter who turned 4 this week. Unfortunately my son Atlee was not able to get her tonight & his girlfriend got called to work. I took her gift to my sons girlfriends parents house & visited a short time. My other granddaughter was a happy little one. We rescheduled the party for next week. Atlee only comes when my spouse is at work & leaves before he gets home.


  1. Lara~ Sweetie~ my heart goes out to you~ so saddened by what you are going through~ stay strong with the Lord~ he will guide you through these troubled times~ I will be praying for you and all your family~
    may peace be with you all~
    I am sending you a hug filled with warmth, caring and love~my dear friend I think you can use it~ from me to you~

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  3. Lara... I am so sorry for what is happening right now in your life. I pray for you to gain strength in knowing what all of your blogging friends already know and that is "You are a genuinely kind human being." You have my thoughts and prayers...

  4. Oh Lara,
    Honey, I can feel the anguish in your post! I am so sorry for what you are dealing with here. God did not make us to be doormats for others!
    You are one of the kindest ladies I have known, I am just truly saddened for you. Know this~ your life is not in vain, they say the ones we love hurt us the most~ there's much truth in that. Our children make mistakes, we ALL make them, because we are human beings, and we are FALLEN human beings! Fortunately, we have an AWESOME Lord above, that loves us anyway, and we can go to him anytime and talk with him and ask for forgiveness and tell him all the things that are happening with us. He is always there and he DOES hear us!
    We cannot change others, only ourselves, that is left up to the Lord,the person has to be receptive, I would say, stay in prayer, play praise and worship music, we do have to be careful with our words because we cannot take them back. Your husband has deeply wounded you, I am sorry that he isn't aware of this, maybe he is. You just have to put it at the cross Kat. I know that sounds silly, but this will pass~ you don't have to be treated like that by anyone~ but I believe for the most part, letting God handle things, he does it so much better than I ever could!
    I am thinking of you sweetie! Hugs and prayers,

  5. Lara, so sorry to hear such sadness.
    I truly understand, some of the same things happened when my daughter was in a bad accident she was in the hospital for a long time and in a wheel chair for months. Some people including family only came around to be nosy or say really gruel things.
    Put your head up high and move on you can only do so much. Show them you are better than that and you will never stoop down to their level.
    Will be thinking about you ~ Take care of yourself first!
    Prim Blessings

  6. Lara you are in my thoughts and prayers.I am so sorry for all that you are dealing with at the moment.People can be so harsh and cruel.Keep trusting on our Lord and he will see you through these trials.Big hugs sweetie ,Jen

  7. Lara it really is sad when people abandon us in our times of need, God though will NEVER leave you. Just know you are NOT the reason your daughter got in her accident. Sorry to hear your husband has treated you the way he has, I pray he realizes what he has done and changes. Keep your eyes on God, He will carry you thru.~hugs~

  8. Lara
    I wanted to stop by today~ let you know I am thinking about you~ I did a post today~ come over & visit~ I have Maggie & Whiskers on it~
    hugs & prayers to you~

  9. Keep your head up and look to the Lord for his comfort and knowledge. I wish you didn't have to live in this pain. Be as happy as you can as much as you can, it's healthier for you:) Keep being true to yourself and remember your blog friends when you're in a time of need.

  10. Hi Lara~
    I'm a new follower who found you through Teresa at Deppenhomestead....Can't say I have read through every single post of yours (as my computer is being incredibly sluggish tonight) - but enough to get the gist....My heart goes out to you - and my prayers go up. I wish I had words of comfort to give that would bring a smile back to your heart, but I don't. The family stuff not stopping 'round, etc. - ahhh...that truly will be gotten way or another (although it may not be the way you would like) - but the spouse's hurtful spirit is of true concern. I will keep to myself the response that first came to me....I do believe that we hurt those that we are closest to, and love the best...and pray that he sees the hurt and harm he has brought you. Hold on to your joys at this time - as small as they may seem....To all this there is a purpose....Wishing you smiles, healing & blessings ~ Robin

  11. Hi Lara, I am a new follower as well and my heart and prayers goes out to you! I wish I live closer to give you big hugs! Just remember you have your friends here to listen to you and be there for you you whenever you need them to give you support even though we may live far away from you!
    Many hugs and blessings, Trish

  12. Lara...just found your blog through another blog post and I have to say that my blood was boiling by the time I finished reading your words. I can tell by the way you express your heart that you are a king, loving woman and I cannot hold back in saying that I am appalled by the way you are being treated. If you can find the strength or have any left stand up for yourself girl!!! Your husband should be ashamed with his actions....children are children and learn as they go but he is SUPPOSED to be an adult!! Be strong in you faith & in your heart...tell him to shut up! Know that even if we are all just on blogland here that you can find support in every turn...chin up & head forward hon!! ~Kriss~

  13. So sorry to hear the anguish going on now for you. Stay strong and stand up for yourself, to your husband and your children! I say this because I went thru a period like this myself many years ago and I know what kind of hell you feel you are in. I stood up finally and it changed everything for me. My kids are long grown but we have an excellent relationship. Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on your POV) I cut their father loose, what is the point of a 1 person partnership? May years later I found and married a wonderful man who does not distinguish he/she jobs. He fills in whenever, not a mean bone in his body and totally kind! Who would have thought there were men out there like that!
    So don't give up on yourself ladybug. You are worth as much as you believe you are! Stand your ground. Best of luck to you.

  14. Dear Lara, The book I posted about, Boundaries, I think will be a tremendous help to you. I will be surprised if you do not change things very much around your home as a result.

    Your husband is definitely treating you wrong and you don't have to listen to that kind of talk. Simply go to your room and lock the door. Take it to the Lord in prayer.

    You will probably find that you will need to set more boundaries with your kids on reading it though. But that is all for the better as you will be helping them be more responsible and giving them the life skills they need. And you will have a lot more energy.

    I sure did. I realized then that not understanding our personal boundaries damages our relationships with everyone.

    I know how hard this is because I've been through it too. My heart really aches for you and I pray the book I suggested will 'come to life' for you. Ask the Lord to help you see through new eyes.

    I have had to learn to set boundaries with my husband about how he talks to me when he is angry, but I have also had to start seeing HIS boundaries and not get so upset. Now we are having a lot less conflict and communicating more constructively. In fact, we are laying to rest things that had bothered both of us for years.

    I must say true communication rarely happens. Instead we expect our loved ones to know and respect our needs, and then get hurt when they don't. From the Boundaries book, I learned to quit doing that and start out and out asking, "Hey, did you mean to make me feel bad?" Can you help. Please stop. Etc.

    I not only learned to stand up for myself, but to respect everyone else in a whole new way. Things were not exactly they way I thought they were in my mind. This book helped me to 'see clearer' the root conflicts in my relationships and begin to make healthy changes by changing how I respond to them or don't as the case may be.

    People are now treating me with more respect. It's wonderful. I'm also no longer pushing buttons in my own family which is even more wonderful.

    Praying for you dear friend,
    Donna @ Comin' Home

  15. Oh, Lara..... I am so sorry to hear about the hard time you are going through right now. I will pray for you.....